Thursday, June 22, 2006

Ready, aim, shotgun

Another Thursday, and another pile of too many stories to focus on just one. So let's get the ball rolling, shall we?

First up, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) proceeds to find out just how good his own loafers taste. In comments regarding an Islamic belief that death suffered while engaged in a jihad will result in being met in the afterlife by 72 virgins, King stated that, with regards to al-Zarqawi, "There probably are not 72 virgins in the hell he's at and if there are, they probably all look like Helen Thomas." That would be Helen Thomas, esteemed long-standing White House correspondent. While it's true that being met by 72 different versions of her would be a rather frightening experience, it would be so due to the hard-hitting questioning and reporting she'd be doing. From 72 different mouths. Needless to say, King has apologized for his remarks, and his opponent in the elections for November is jumping at the chance to make an even bigger deal out of his comments. King could've made things a bit better for himself politcally, by referencing Paris Hilton instead of Helen Thomas. Heck, he might've even brought in a youth vote, for showing that he's "hip". By the same token, nobody believes in a Paris Hilton virgin, even if you subtract 72 from the total number she's slept with.

Second up, poor Rick Santorum, and poor FOXNews. The only thing they can seem to do is create controversy for each other, and broadcast completely false information over the cable channel. Namely, Ricky was on FOXNews recently, and he stated that, contrary to every single report that's been released, Iraq DID have WMD's, and that these were found. Shortly after that statement, the Defense Department debunked the entire thing, leaving Santorum a bit red-faced. Meanwhile, FOXNews has continued to air the story as though it's true, going so far as to assert that there's a conspiracy involving the US, Russia, France, and China. Of course, this is also the network (and the story) that had Santorum showing "classified documents." Which, if it were true, could net severe sentences for all the laws broken. Maybe Ricky should stick to stumping for street vendors with "English Only" signs. At least that piece of paper can't net him any legal trouble.

Third, in a valiant effort to save the penny from extinction, VirginMobile has gotten in touch with someone who can feel the penny's pain. Kevin Federline, who would maybe have two pennies to rub together if it weren't for being better known as Mr. Britney Spears, has come out in support of the cent, which, oddly enough, now costs more than 1 cent to produce. He joins the likes of Darryl Hannah and Angelina Jolie in supporting the little copper guy. Unlike the other two mentioned, KFed actually has a vested interest in keeping the penny around. He probably needs to collect all the change he gets in a big jar, just to take it to the bank and have spending money for the week. Now if only he had two brain cells to rub together. Wait, that's a little incorrect. If only he and Britney combined had two brain cells to rub together...

And finally, in another round of being completely out of touch, an editor for the Wall Street Journal has made it clear that he believes that gay marriage will lead to people marrying domestic animals. This is, of course, coming from the story out of India about a woman marrying a snake. Stephen Colbert took the story apart in his own way, and I harbor no foolish notions that I can even approach Colbert's level when it comes to the shredding of the ridiculous. Still, I can't help myself. This editor believes that men marrying men and women marrying women will lead to people marrying dogs, or cats? Sure, looking Biblically, we see that a snake was used as the ultimate instrument of temptation during the time in the Garden of Eden, but that doesn't mean that either Adam or Eve was looking to marry it. There are just too many instances of animals being horribly evil (the Serpent in the Garden, the dog who "talked" to the Son of Sam, Garfield), whereas it's hard to imagine gays (Harvey Fierstein, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell) as being really all that bad. Except for that last one. She's a bit out there.

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