Coffee Soaked Awards - Week of 25 September 2006

It's a short week for us here at our caffeinated headquarters, so we're launching into our weekly awards a day early. Without further ado...

The Impossible Dream Award
NASA scientists are all atwitter over some of the first high quality shots ever of the Victoria Crater on Mars. A few even go so far as to call it a "dream come true." Other dreams that have yet to come true for these scientists are the first ever leak-proof pocket protector, and actually getting a girl's phone number in a bar.

Insider Intelligence Award
Sen. Mike DeWine of Ohio admitted to having only recently read the intelligence reports on Iraq, after the thought that the US-led war may actually be fueling more terrorism. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. However, DeWine is on the Senate Intelligence Committee, and was briefed on the reports back in April. DeWine's excuse? "I got really wrapped up in one of those Sudoku puzzles."

Thanks for Playing Award
We pass this along to Tony Snow, who seems to finally be starting to catch up with the rest of the world. In a recent press conference, the Snowjob made it clear that he understands that "there are a number of jihadists, united by an ideology that they do want to kill us." He also claimed a lack of surprise over this. To be fair, Snow just recently discovered that the sun is hot, and that Gigli was an awful movie.

I Can't Believe it's Not Goat Award
We give this to our friends from Kazakhstan, who have decided to continue their proactive assault against Borat by taking out a four-page advertisement to defend themselves against the film. The Kazakhs have been on a special vendetta to prove that they aren't as backwards as the film will portray them to be. We're still waiting on the full ad from the socially inept in defense of their lifestyles after the release of Napolean Dynamite.

Thumb In Your Eye Award
We pass this out to Uwe Boll, for boxing the living daylights out of overweight and out-of-shape internet critics. We're just going to go on record here and say that we loved Bloodrayne. In related news, Eli Roth has challenged his critics to a sand castle building competition, which is all a thinly veiled ploy to kick sand in their eyes.

Was That a Hic or a Hick Award
We give this award to Paris Hilton, who has been officially charged with a DUI. Ms. Hilton could face prison time, although she is almost undoubtedly slated to get the obligatory celebrity slap-on-the-wrist. When this story broke, the rest of Hollywood thought about how their own abuses could reflect on the community. This was followed immediately by a party with sculptures carved out of cocaine, complete with a Cristal fountain.

I'm Getting Better Award
This award goes out to Paul Vance, the co-author of "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini," who had to announce to the world at large that he was, in fact, not dead yet. Apparently an imposter had been claiming the authorship on the song since shortly after it was recorded, fooling even his own wife. Vance is planning on writing "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Black Pinstripe Suit" for his imposter's funeral.

We Could Be Heroes Award
This goes out to a number of recipients. First, to President Clinton for defending himself in what turned out to be a horribly cut-up interview. Secondly, to Keith Olbermann for once again having the gumption to lead a verbal assault on those spreading misinformation. And finally, to NBC and their new show Heroes, not only for having a good premiere and a strong tie-in blog (as we bid a fond farewell to Defaker and its comments), but for using more Indians and Japanese in their premiere than most networks will use all season.

And with that, we wrap up another awards week. We'll be back on Tuesday, so, until then, stay safe out there.