Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 4, 2006

Welcome back to another round of awards, as we once again take a quick trip through the past week of news.

Crikey Award
Obviously, this one goes out to the stingray that brought low the Crocodile Hunter. A freak accident has led to Animal Planet being able to finally plan a full week of programming around tributes, as opposed to footage of animals in mating season.

It's About Me Award
Hats off to Katie Couric, who took over the CBS Evening News this week, and managed to make her first broadcast even more of a news event than Rosie O'Donnell's first broadcast as a host for The View. This is doubly impressive for Ms. Couric, as she is at least one-third the size and volume of Ms. O'Donnell.

What Vanity? Award
To Vanity Fair, for finally providing the world with pictures of a child being held in the arms of Cruise/Holmes. Of course, this still doesn't prove that Suri exists, but it does prove that Tom doesn't immediately break out into hives when placed that close to an infant.

I'm Rubber and You're Glue Award
This award can is handed out to Maryland Comptroller William Donald Schaefer, who lamented the race turning into a "name-calling contest", but then followed up by referring to his opponent as "fat", amongst other things. His opponent's response was to say, "I know you are, but what am I?" She then laughed and skipped away to play on a different part of the playground.

Well Duh Award
We hand this one out to the Guardian, for their article pointing out that the next British Prime Minister may want to have a looser relationship with GDub than Tony Blair has had. The Guardian also wants us all to know that space is large, and that the Irish are considered to be heavy drinkers.

Not Quite a Seance Award
KRove gets this one, for hiring priests to exorcise the spirit of Hillary Clinton from the White House. Clinton was quoted as saying, "Ooooooooooo" a lot and rattling chains.

Somebody's Watching Me Award
This award is giving to Facebook, the online social club used almost exclusively by college students, for the newest features they've added which give users up-to-the-minute information on other users, ranging from simply logging in to whenever they've entered or ended a relationship. Facebook is boldly marching foward, and is now planning the next stage of the News Feed, by hiring shady characters to hide in bushes and tape FB users with web cameras.

Take Me Drunk I'm Home Award
This goes out to the cops that arrested Paris Hilton for her DUI, refusing to let the wisp of a socialite escape from the law, despite her protestations about having only had one drink. She also complained about how people have blown the arrest out of proportion. Much like the rest of her career.

And that ends out awards for this week. Thanks for tuning in!