Friday, September 15, 2006

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 11, 2006

Welcome back to another weekly round-up of some of the stories that have touched our hearts.

Stupid is as Stupid Does Award
Handed out to a number of recipients this week, all with varying levels of power within their respective nations. The first two winners are GDub and Nursultan Nazarbayev, for the upcoming summit to discuss Borat. GDub is going to work to help smooth over the impact of Borat with the Kazakh president, because, if anyone knows global relations, it's The Decider. The other winner is Jim Watson of Canada, for proving that Sean Penn is just like everyone else, by announcing publicly the need to treat him just like everyone else. The three politicians are tentatively scheduling a conference call, wherein Nazarbayev and Watson try to convince GDub that Paris Hilton is more (albeit not much more) than a simple hotel.

That Doesn't Mean Us Award
To everyone's favorite talking head, Tony Snowjob. In a recent press conference, Snow decided to announce that the reason why the US isn't following Geneva Convention laws is because they're "vague". He went on to say that the Conventions have never been applied to United States activities in previous conflicts. Snow's next job is to redefine the Ten Commandments, and defend the Pharaoh by saying that the Commandments had never applied to Egypt.

Caste Away Award
The Indian government, in an attempt to finally rid themselves of the caste system, is offering money to the marriage-minded, should they offer themselves in matrimony to someone of a lower caste than themselves. This could theoretically abolish the hereditary hierarchy, as the mingling of different castes cause confusion as to which grouping the children would belong to. This tactic is already being used, albeit without the financial incentive, in America, as proven by the marriage between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

A New Crusade Award
Pope Benedict receives this award, for his speech tying Islam to violence, all while painting Christianity as an ultimately peaceful religion. While a spokesman for the Vatican has stated that the Pope's words were not meant to be harmful, there has been no official apology from the head of the church himself. Of course, Pope Benedict is also currently busy with trying to determine how to secure the holy land for his religion, and whether or not he can make the breakfast dish that is his namesake.

It Is to Laugh Award
We're handing this one out to the White House press corps, which has apparently found the laughter that they had sorely missed while Scott McLellan was WH spokesman. Sources tell us that part of the laughter is brought on by Snowjob's use of hand puppets and cartoonish voices, while berating Helen Thomas for once again asking a question about factual evidence.

Colbert, Stewart, and Satan Award
This award is handed out to Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, for calling out Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central as "Godless Sodomites." Phelps then began attacking Kathy Griffin, before someone pointed out that Kathy Griffin is, by all accounts, a woman. Phelps ended the diatribe with milk and warm cookies, all while petting a kitten. A gay kitten.

Excellence in Perkiness Award
We've got to hand this one out Katie Couric, who continues to try vainly to keep the CBS evening news afloat, despite having quickly lost the shiny appeal and fresh audience. Unfortunately for Ms. Couric, people are more interested in watching syndicated episodes of Small Wonder than watching her newscast. It's possible that the robot seems slightly more real.

Excellence While Not Relenting Award
Keith Olbermann, who has made it clear in the past his overall dislike for GDub and the way the war on terror is being handled, once again opened up a can of verbal whoop-ass during his 9/11 program. Agree or not, you can't deny that his words have an impact, and it might behoove some of the other pundits out on the networks to pay attention.

That ends our awards for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Stay safe out there.

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