Friday, September 22, 2006

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 18, 2006

Welcome back to another installment in our Coffee-Soaked Awards. Let's just get the ball rolling, shall we?

Devil in a Blue Suit Award
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez this week called GDub "the devil". This was in reference to The Decider's appearance before the UN. A disgruntled VP Cheney was quoted as saying, "But what about all the work I've done?"

Well, Duh Award
Paris Hilton, in a discussion with the police regarding Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis, admitted her lack of supreme intelligence. She apparently, "like, forgets stuff all the time". Like where she left her panties. Future news reports will reveal Nicole Richie claiming that she's a little thin, and Christopher Walken saying that he doesn't understand his choices in films either.

It's Floor Wax, It's Desert Topping, It's Both Award
This award goes out to the people at Defaker, the spoof blog purporting to follow the "real-life" of NBC's Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Some people are complaining that the blog is simply a poor excuse for viral marketing, and that it's even more transparent about it's corporate ties than other Hollywood blogs. Of course, this is different from the average Hollywood blog exactly how?

Wouldn't You in His Shoes Award
This goes out to former Enron CEO Jeff Skilling, for getting arrested for public intoxication a few scant months after being indicted for fraud, conspiracy, and other crimes associated with the fall of Enron. Given the penalties Mr. Skilling is facing, it's not surprising that he was out drinking. Slightly more surprising was when Mr. Skilling blamed Enron's collapse on those "damned Jews", and then called his arresting officer "sugartits".

Take Your Pick Award
This award goes to the couples who aren't simply trying to learn whether their babies are boys or girls, but are actively trying to play God and get their desired result. While most babies are being screened to check for genetic diseases, some parents are getting the "designer baby" they always hoped for. Joe Simpson has taken this an extra step, and got his designer daughters after they had both turned 20.

The Rich Get It Award
We pass this award out to Forbes Magazine, and their annual listing of the 400 richest Americans. Apparently, for the first time in history, the list is comprised of nothing but billionaires. Of course, all of those poor people who are merely making $900M have been left shivering in the dust on the outside of the Forbes 400. Martha Stewart, who fell off the list completely after losing $395M in the past year, was recently spotted under a freeway overpass, eating baked beans straight from the can.

Throwing Up a Little Award
We, grudgingly, give this award to Rosie O'Donnell, who apparently felt the need to retaliate against some horrible crime committed by Nip/Tuck star Julian McMahon by going topless for a scene with him. Letters and cards to the star Mr. McMahon are of course appreciated, as are pictures of attractive naked people.

Prince of Peace Award
We give this out to the little church that could. The All Saints Church of California is currently having their tax-exempt status threatened for having an anti-war sermon delivered to the congregation shortly before the 2004 election. The church is vowing to go to court to protect their status. When reached for comment, Jesus Christ was quoted as saying, "Well, I'm not the Prince of War, you asshats." He then tranformed some water into a kicking wop for the All Saints picnic.

Good Night and Good Luck Award
We almost feel bad giving this to Keith Olbermann, but he's earned it yet again. In his "Special Message" from September 18, he took umbrage at specific words uttered by GDub. Those words, "It is unacceptable to think." Mr. Olbermann receives this award for once again trying to prove that, even in the realm of cable news, the opportunity to think can still flourish.

Thanks for tuning in. Stay safe out there.

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