Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 13, 2006

We return for another round of Coffee-Soaked Awards in this, the week before Thanksgiving. Next week is a short week for us here at the Excerpts, so we may have a couple of weeks before the next awards (or you may get some on Wednesday, and have to wait a week and a half before the follow-up installment). Either way, we should get this weeks awards rolling, so let's get this show started.

The Man Upstairs Award
We give this to out-going Chairman of the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works, James Inhofe (R-OK) who stresses that there is no reason to worry about global warming. Part of his reasoning for this is that he seems to have found evidence that it's only the northern hemisphere that's warming (isn't that the side where the US is?). His other bit of reasoning is that we have no need to worry because "God's still up there". Representatives for God have confirmed that he is indeed "up there" but that is largely because it's so much cooler where the air is thinner.

Much Ado About Nothing Award
This award goes to the town of Bracciano, Italy, for the huge amount of work they've undertaken to make themselves presentable, from street sweeping to changing menu items. Why all the work? Well, the town is hosting the wedding of Tom Cruise to Katie Holmes this weekend. The town believes that this is a chance for them to be remembered and noticed worldwide. Not wanting to be outshone, Assisi has offered to host the divorce of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, if only to give them another excuse to empty the public ashtrays.

Much Ado About Something Award
This goes out to Sony, which has created yet another fervor with the release of their Playstation 3 video game console. Shoppers eager to get a console on the first day faced cold temperatures, long lines, and, in some cases, arrests in attempting to secure the $500 machine. While many who purchased the system were doing so for their own use, some were hoping to make a quick buck by selling it off on eBay. In an interesting coincidence, waiting in line for days without any sense of personal hygiene didn't worsen the chances of any of those waiting to acquire dates in the near future.

Putting Sexy Back in the News Award
Stephen Colbert was recently named to People Magazine's "Sexiest" list, joining the likes of George Clooney and Taye Diggs. On his own show, Colbert proceeded to mock James Dean for being left off the list, due to no longer being alive. Others that Colbert could have mocked? Rasputin, Alexander the Great, and Marc Anthony. After all, nobody can convince us that the last guy listed by us is still alive by any means.

A Rose by Any Other Name Award
Recently, while bemoaning the notion of OJ Simpson receiving a television special called "If I Did It", set to be aired on FOX, Bill O'Reilly made the comment that FOX Broadcasting and FOXNews were not affiliated. In fact, he made it sound as though it were undeniably true that the two were different organizations. In his defense, O'Reilly also doesn't think that Trump Tower, Trump Plaza, or Ivanka Trump were all created at the impetus of the same person.

Penguins in Rhinestones Award
We give this out to the book And Tango Makes Three, a book currently in hot water in Shiloh, Illinois, for having the audacity to relate for children the (true) story of two male penguins who raised a chick of their own together, without any female penguins being involved. Some parents are complaining that the book, written for 4-8 year olds, should be moved to a more mature section because of the homosexual themes. Oddly enough, many of the parents who complained later went home to watch "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", prefering that their gays not be covered in feathers, once again leaving Elton John in the dark.

A Step in a Direction Award
Continuing the gay theme, we're going to give this one out to the Pentagon, for recently reclassifying homosexuality. They previously had homosexuality listed as a mental disorder, but now it is being classified as a "condition" similar to bed-wetting or fear of flying. While this doesn't change the "don't ask, don't tell" policy, it could lead to gays about to be discharged pointing out that it was a much more satisfying way to make a mess of the sheets.

Wonder Why Award
In recent conversations about why the GOP lost so many seats this past year, Rep. Adam Putnam (R-FL) pointed out that "white rednecks...didn't show up to vote for us." Perhaps this could have a little to do with referring to them as rednecks? Jeff Foxworthy and Bill Engvall were not able to be reached for comment, while Ron White proceeded to make jokes about why he divorced his wife.

Thank You Award
We give this, in our eyes deservedly so, to Sasha Baron Cohen, who recently came out to defend himself from all of the attacks springing up about Borat. Cohen pointed out in a recent interview that the joke is not, and has never been, on Kazakhstan. The joke has always been on the people who believe the Kazakhstan he portrays could ever exist. Nationwide, millions of people without any sense of irony are scratching their heads as one, trying to determine where this parallel-universe Kazakhstan could possibly exist.

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. Enjoy the weekend, and we'll see you on Monday. Stay safe out there.