Friday, December 08, 2006

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 4, 2006

We return for another installment of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. While we don't expect to be quite as long-winded as we were last week, we still aim to please, so let's get the ball rolling, shall we?

So Long, and Thanks for the Raise Award
With another session of Congress almost completed, one pressing issue seems to be hanging over the lame duck legislators. This issue? Whether or not to pass a pay raise. The Dems are claiming that they're going to try and stop the raise from going through, while the GOP believes that the raise is justified as a cost-of-living increase. Other curiosities for many legislators at present include the price of frozen pizzas, and the availability of housing in their home districts.

Keep it in the Family Award
We give this award to former Iowa Congressmen Ed Mezvinsky, who is currently in prison for fraud tied into Nigerian e-mail scams. Mezvinksy allegedly stole from clients and his own mother-in-law in an attempt to find the one 419 scam that was going to lead to his long-term wealth. Mezvinsky even used his son Marc's relationship with Chelsea Clinton to help bilk money to send overseas. With rumors that Chelsea and Marc are contemplating marriage, Ed Mezvinsky was quoted as saying, "I wonder if Bill will help with a loan. I understand that Barrister Mfume needs my help transfering $21.7M."

Everything's Coming Up Rosie Award
This one goes out to Rosie O'Donnell, who has not only reinvigorated her career by appearing on The View, but may get to reprise her role as "large naked woman" on a more full-time basis for Nip/Tuck. O'Donnell has taken the extra screen time to point out her love for Tom Cruise and taken an "I'm better than other lesbians" stance. Barbara Walters was quoted as saying, "That's just Wosie being Wosie. We aw wove hew wowk. Whewe awe my teeth? I'm a newscastew..."

How Embarassing Award
What's worse than showing up to a reception wearing the same dress as another woman? How about when three other women are wearing the gown? And you're the First Lady? This happened recently at a White House holiday reception. When asked about the incident, Laura Bush responded with, "How the hell should I know about it? And since when is this news?" George reportedly had his bedtime story read by all four women, alternating through the pages so as to keep from confusing him.

I'm Not Listening, La La La La Award
This award goes out to GDub, for the way he has responded to the recent study on the way that the Iraq War has been handled. Basically, because the committee, headed up by long-time Bush friend James Baker, told The Decider things he didn't want to hear, he's going to ignore the findings, going so far as to say that "Jim Baker can go back to his day job." GDub has a history of ignoring reports, such as the reports about his twin daughters not following in his own drug- and alcohol-laced footsteps, or that he shouldn't really wipe his nose on his jacket.

Lesbians are Mothers, Too Award
We give this award to Mary Cheney, who has announced a recent pregnancy with her long-time partner, Heather Poe. Conservative groups are fighting over the notion of a gay couple raising a child. Gay rights groups are feeling that this is just desserts for conservatives that sought to ban gay unions. Meanwhile, VPCheney praised his lesbian daughter's pregnancy, because children with only one legal parent fuel his soul machine better than other babies.

Didn't We See This on Studio 60? Award
The recipient for this award is Jennifer Hudson, star of the upcoming Dream Girls. In recent interviews, Hudson proclaimed homosexuality a sin, because the Bible says so, but then also said that she personally has no issues with it, thereby almost exactly mirroring the character portrayed by Sarah Paulson on Studio 60 from the Sunset Strip. When questioned about this, Hudson responded by saying, "Listen, it's not like I'm paraphrasing the words of that Corddry kid."

It's Not the Size Award
After last week's award for the spray-on condoms, how could we not pass an award to the Indian Council of Medical Research, for their findings that approximaely 60% of the men in Mumbai were unable to use condoms set to international standards. Apparently, the international specifications were a little, um, large for Indian men, in some cases by a couple of inches. In light of this recent study, aptly titled, "Indian Men Don't Measure Up", I think it's abundantly clear where the test market for last week's Germans should be. Oh, and to any Indian readers out there? Sincere apologies for using the word "abundantly".

Well, that wraps up another week's look at the news, complete with our scatter-shot approach to delivering the stories to you. We'll see you next week, as we inch ever closer to the inevitable Santa Claus story, and we keep hoping for something white to appear on the ground. Until then, stay safe out there.

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