Friday, December 22, 2006

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 18, 2006

Welcome to another weekly awards round-up. During this most festive time of December, we want to extend our holiday wishes to Time's "Person of the Year" because, well, they deserve it. So now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's get this show on the road.

Do You Hear What I Hear Award
We give this award to Jessica Simpson, for once again valiantly trying to perform possibly the most famous song of her idol's. The singer attempted a performance of Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" at the live taping of the Kennedy Center Honors. She then recorded a second attempt. Both times, Simpson made it all the way from 9 to around 10:30 or so and has pulled the performance from any showings of the Honors. This, of course, is a sign of Simpson's dedication to quality, previously only rivaled by her appearance in The Dukes of Hazzard.

A New Mission Award
This award goes to Robin Hayes (R-NC), who has taken a drastically different look at how to win the war in Iraq. Whereas the overall goal behind the conflict has been to spread democracy, Hayes feels that the war won't be won until the "message of Jesus Christ" is brought to the people of the nation. "Everything depends on everyone learning about the birth of the Savior," Hayes has been quoted as saying. Other things that Hayes believes will end the war include letting the children of Iraq know that there is no Easter bunny, and providing the Iraqi troops with bubble gum. After all, who can be angry when they've got bubble gum?

I Let Mel Gibson Ride Shotgun Award
There's nobody who deserves this award more than Judith Regan, who allegedly blamed having been fired from HarperCollins on a Jewish cabal. Of course, she is now denying heavily the claims of anti-Semitism, and also refusing to acknowledge that perhaps the notion of OJ Simpson telling how he might have (did) commit murder wasn't the best marketing decision. Looks like we've finally figured out where Mel Gibson got the "sugartits" idea, although we still don't know how to say it in Mayan.

Michael Richards is a Grinch Award
Oh, woe is the completely made-up holiday, and those who celebrate it. One high-profile Festivus celebrant is WI Governor Jim Doyle, who has been pictured in the past with his sparse, undecorated Festivus pole. The holiday, created on Seinfeld, held a special meaning for Doyle, who now will not be celebrating the holiday due to Michael Richard's racist commentary. Doyle has been quoted as saying, "What am I supposed to do this year without this completely made-up and relatively new holiday? Celebrate Christmas or something? Screw that." He then slammed a mug full of eggnog and started bellowing "Santa Baby" at the top of his lungs.

I Can't Do That, Dave Award
Drivers in Germany seem to be having more problems than recently, and the culprit behind it all is apparently the satellite navigation systems installed in their cars. More specifically, it's the way that these drivers are blindly following the directions given by these systems, leading to them driving into rivers, construction sites, and the like. This just goes to prove that just because you're old enough to drive, it doesn't mean your smart enough to not listen to a computer that can't see the actual conditions of the road. In a related story, Minnesotans panicked recently at the sight of snow. Which they see 8 months a year.

Killer Queen Award
Well, ex-queen, actually. Beauty queens have been taking a harsh rap recently, with Miss USA almost getting de-throned, Miss Teen USA being turned down as a spokesperson for MADD, and now, the news that Miss Nevada has been stripped of her title. Why? Because of new photos in a "Girls Gone Wild" vein, as the pageant winner is shown exposing herself and engaging in sexual contact with other women. Experts are too busy looking at the photos online to have any comment to give.

And with that little piece of holiday cheer, we wrap up another round of awards, our second to last for the year of 2006. We hope you have a good holiday weekend, and that you don't spend too much time in bars trying to drink away the lingering scent of old people from your nose. And hey, if you do, tilt one back for us. We'll be doing the same for you. Stay safe out there.

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