Friday, December 01, 2006

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 27, 2006

Wow. Another Friday has fallen upon us here at the Coffee-Soaked Mind, and it's another Friday where we find ourselves sitting in front of our computers, as opposed to last week, where we were still soaking up the inherent laziness now associated with the Thanksgiving holiday. True, we deprived everyone last week, but that's why we're going to jump into our awards ceremony without further ado. And without gift bags (not that anyone would accept a CSM gift bag, honestly).

Marriage Made in Heaven, Divorce Made in Kazakhstan Award
The recent news that Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are already heading down the divorce trail didn't really come as a shock to anyone with a pulse and more awareness than Anna Nicole Smith. However, the notion that the two are getting divorced because of Borat seems a little far-fetched, even for these two epitomes of white trashiness. When reminded that Borat is merely a character, Kid Rock replied with, "Oh yeah? Well, uh, in your face," proving that the wordsmith that once rhymed "out west" with "fake breasts" is still alive and well.

On Second Thought, I'll Just Have Peanuts Award
This award goes to the Department of Homeland Security, for the recent admission of another program to gather information on terror suspects. Called the Automated Targeting System, it includes a number of different subjects based off of travel, such as how the tickets were paid for, history of one-way travel, and even the meals they ate, with all this information being compiled to find a terror score. With this recent development, hospital food is now only four times as unappealing as airline food, a severe drop from recent years.

One Nation Under Our God Award
We give this to all the people in the United States who have an issue with Congressman-elect Keith Ellison (D-MN) for requesting that he be sworn in on the Qu'ran. Apparently the notion of a Muslim being sworn in on his religion's holy book is offensive to the Bible-bangers out there. Nevermind the notion of freedom of religion assured in the Constitution. We simply have to remember that Ellison's request is actually trying to destroy the moral fabric of America. Other things that are slowly destroying the moral fabric of America include unwarrented searches, unjustified attacks, and unattainable electronics.

I Like Kurt Russell Movies, and Universal Health Care Award
This goes out to the growing number of Democratic candidates who are already vying for the opportunity to lose the chance to become President by posting profiles on MySpace and similar sites. This trend has also reached into candidates creating messages for podcasting purposes. Keep your eyes open for Hilary Clinton's profile, which will naturally assure the American people that a) it's time for a new direction for this country, and b) Janet Reno's a man, baby.

This is Not Funny Award
We give this to the people of Ohio, for the way that they unintentionally made things difficult for a news crew during election season. After all, when Borat (he sneaks in everywhere, doesn't he) is the big talk of the country, it can never be easy for a legitimate Kazakh newscrew attempting to create a documentary about voting. The poor newscrew even included a cameraman named "Bolat", who was forced to regale the onlookers with stories about how his mother did not actually drink horse urine. Students at Ohio State University, when informed by the State Department that the crew was legitimate, stated, "Aw, man... we were hoping to score some free beer for being made to look like asses. Hey look, kegger!"

People, People, It's Just a Game Award
We give this to the overzealous gamers who have been experiencing problems with their Nintendo Wii's. Not only have controllers flown from the gamers hands, crashing into (and sometimes through) televisions and beer glasses, but the motion detection technology has also lead to things along the lines of tennis elbow. When asked, some Wiithusiasts were quoted as saying, "Dude, who knew that moving would hurt so much?" They were also shocked that they had enough strength after a steady diet of Mt. Dew and Doritos to cause any damage with the controllers.

The Devil's in the Details Award
We give this to Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, for admitting something about his speech in September which may have cost his country a seat on the UN Security Council. During the speech, Chavez verbally ripped apart GDub, including calling the American president a drunkard, a donkey, and the devil. According to Chavez, the speech was spur-of-the-moment, and none of the accusations were planned. Chavez did not refute whether or not he believed them. Other world leaders are now breathing sighs of relief, by realizing that they can also claim all of the name-calling they've done towards GDub or his Cabinet were simply spur-of-the-moment, regardless of the pages and pages of notes they may have had working the perfect insult into one of their speeches.

Schoolhouse Rockin' Award
Okay, so it's not really rocking, but some schools in Wyoming are trying to get their programs rolling. Students with perfect or near-perfect attendance rates can find themselves eligible to win cars from the schools, in an initiative to increase attendance overall. Students with less-than-perfect attendance records can find themselves entered into drawings to receive roller skates. No word on whether the No Child Left Behind Act will enforce that the students winning vehicles will now be expected to give rides to their less-privileged classmates.

Don't Forget Your Spray Can Award
This award is handed to German sex educators, who are looking into technology to produce spray-on condoms, for easier use and higher customization. While the cost for these products will be higher than that of standard condoms, the hope is that the ease of use would help offset those concerns. The question being raised is how to fit the spray-can into a wallet, just in case.

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate Award
We give this award to GDub and Jim Webb, for their "conversation" regarding Webb's son, who is currently fighting in Iraq. The two were unable to actually converse for the most part, causing Webb to be tempted to "slug the President". Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed, and neither man was punched or arrested. Webb should be aware from this point forward that "How is your son doing?" is code for "Tell me your son is fine." Oddly enough, GDub saying "There is no civil war in Iraq" is also code, translating to "I love me some pie. Mmm pie!"

Thinking Outside the Globe Award
We give this to Stephen Hawking, for once again pointing out his belief that mankind will need to leave planet Earth if we are to survive. It's a well-known fact that Stephen Hawking is much smarter than most of the rest of the planet, so there may be something to this comments. It's also a well-known fact that wearing a red shirt in space is a bad idea. Expect sales of blue and green fabric to skyrocket.

And with that, we leave this week behind us. It's been busy, and we're sure that next week will be just as action-packed. Hang on to your Wii, and stay safe out there.

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