Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 15, 2007

This week started out slowly on the news front, at least in the area of potential to make humor out of the world. Still, the ball eventually got itself rolling, and we find ourselves facing down another Friday. So let's get the Coffee-Soaked Awards under way, shall we?

Which is Lesser Award
Ah, FOXNews, where would we be without your polls? In a recent poll by the cable news channel, GDub is considered to be unfavorable by more Americans than even old kittens-for-breakfast VPCheney. A more disturbing note in the poll is that 2% of the people polled had never heard of either Cheney or Rosie O'Donnell. How could we possibly believe that 2% of people have never heard of Rosie? She's more ubiquitous than McDonalds commercials by now.
Note: The link is to a .pdf file. Be forewarned.

Like We Didn't Know Before Award
Texas Gov. Rick Perry recently began his second term in office, and he kicked everything off with a black-tie affair. The special guest that Perry picked for the party? Ted Nugent, who appeared wearing a Confederate flag t-shirt, with machine guns for props, also unleashed a string of offensive remarks towards non-English speakers. Apparently, the rocker struck a sour note with a number of the people in attendance, and drew the ire of civil rights leaders in the state. In a related story, Ted Nugent is just nuts, but I wouldn't say that within earshot. He's liable to shoot.

Food Fight Award
What could be more important than determining where the hamburger was born? Well, according to Rep. Betty Brown (R-TX), not much, as she's advocating the notion that her hometown of Athens, TX first introduced the sandwich in the 1880's, beating the current "birthplace" of New Haven, CT by almost 20 years. The Library of Congress even sides with New Haven, but Rep. Brown is going to attempt to change all of that with conclusive proof. Meanwhile, Ronald McDonald has been quoted as saying that he simply knew that the hamburger was born out of wedlock, and that it may actually be impossible to determine a place of birth. Mayor McCheese has declined comment.

That's What I Call Art Award
Officials in Amsterdam will be getting to unveil a new statue in their city near the end of March. The statue will depict a woman looking confidently, and will be meant to honor prostitutes worldwide. A second statue, featuring a man with outstretched hand has already been commissioned to honor pimps.

Not the Tonight Show Again Award
A Russian man has recently confessed to the slaying of his grandmother because they couldn't agree on what television program to watch. Sadly, when arrested, the man was drunk and unable to recall what show he preferred. In a related story, "American Idol" premiered this week.

She Wore An... Award
We give this award out to the creators of the burqini, who blended a burqa and a bikini together to make a coverall swimsuit. The suit comes complete with a full hijab head-covering, and there are hopes to widen the appeal outside of Muslim women. Of course, if celebrities embrace the garment, can this possibly mean an end to the flagrant beach-going nipple-slip?

Too Much Truthiness Award
In a shocking turn of events, Bill O'Reilly and Stephen Colbert both guested on each other's shows this week. It had to be fairly disturbing to both hosts, as Colbert has made no attempts to hide the inspiration he has taken from O'Reilly's show. Here's hoping that more newscasters will eventually trade off as guests. Might we even suggest some sort of battle royale, with final guest appearance trade-offs being made by O'Reilly and Keith Olbermann?

New Meaning to "Jack in the Box" Award
Finally, we give this award out to the Missouri man who found himself trapped inside a light-up sign for a Jack in the Box restaurant in Illinois for 6 hours. A total of three different trips were made to finally complete the rescue. Over the course of the ordeal, the repairman spent more time near a Jack in the Box than Nicole Richie has her entire life.

That wraps up another week of the news here at the CSM. We'll be back next week, where we shall endeavor to unveil more of the world around us. At the very least, we'll keep making fun of it all. Stay safe out there.