Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 22, 2007

Well folks, another week has come and gone. This week, of course, featured GDub delivering a rousing State of the Union address. Don't believe us, just ask John McCain. But that wasn't all that happened, so let's get these awards started.

Where Supergroups Have Gone Before Award
Bush decided to unleash his follow-up to his tune, "I'm the Decider" with a similarly themed, "I am the Decision Maker". At this rate, it should only take the President a few more speeches before he can release his own concept album. Unfortunately, the title "Operation: Mindcrime" has already been taken.

Like a Cockroach Award
Sure, winning means never having to say you're sorry, but losing, at least for a seat in Congress, means never having to leave Congress, because you've still got floor rights. And Katherine Harris used those to the fullest extent during the SotU, passing out business cards. She may also have thrown a couple of catty comments towards Michelle Bachmann (R-MN). As for what the cards said, our guess is: Katherine Harris, former US Representative, will work for food.

That'll Show Them Award
Spain has followed up last year's banning of extremely thin fashion models by declaring that mannequins in shop windows should be at least a size 10. The Spanish health ministy even plans on measuring women between the ages of 12 and 70 to determine the actual shape of a Spanish woman. The mannequins have come out saying that they simply have very fast metabolisms.

We Attack, You Decide Award
This award goes out to FOXNews host John Gibson. After the "story" about Barack Obama having attended a madrassa when he was young was debunked by CNN, Gibson attacked the rival network. Specifically, he attacked the reporter who shot the FNC report down, by saying that the reporter "probably went to the very madrassa". In all fairness, Gibson probably feels that Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh were being a "little soft" on the Obama angle. FOXNews has responded by giving Gibson his own show, "When Right-Wing Zealots Report".

We Play Softball, You Decide Award
In fairness, FOXNews isn't always hard-hitting and mean-spirited. For example, there was the recent discussion on Your World with Neil Cavuto, which took the initiative to present the rough and tumble world of Hooters waitresses. Not only did the girls interview about their jobs and new Hooters calendar, but they talked about the issues, including the recent news about Miss New Jersey stepping down due to pregnancy. When asked about the story, most viewers responded with, "Hehehe... boobies...."

A Little Lunch Award
This award has to go out to the 23-foot python recently found in Kuala Lumpur after it had gorged itself on at least 11 guard dogs. The dogs were posted around an orchard, and the snake made short work of them before it was captured and turned over to wildlife officials. When asked why, the snake was quoted as saying, "It was weird. I just got hungry again every half-hour."

Too Good to Be True Award
We hand this out Dr. Robert Bohannon, a molecular scientist in Durham, NC. Dr. Bohannon has found a way to inject caffeine into pastries, thereby creating the world's first caffeinated doughnut. Coffee fiends around the world are already starting to rejoice, and the product isn't available for sale as of yet. Expect to find the pastries everywhere breakfast and coffee can be combined, so, um, everywhere.

And with the thoughts of coffee doughnuts, we leave for another week. We'll be back next week to help usher in a new February. Besides, by the next awards posting, we should know how much longer winter's going to stick around. Our guess is that winter will last until March 20th or so... just a hunch. Stay safe out there.