Tuesday, January 23, 2007

It's a dead heat

This morning, a group of movies were happy to hear that they had been nominated to go after the brass ring of filmdom. That's right, the Academy Award nominees were announced, and Hollywood is buzzing with the news.

Of course, here at the CSM, while we're always going to watch to see what movies will get the little golden statue, we're also interested in the films that reach true levels of bad. The films that step to depths previously unmatched, or at least unmatched for the rest of the year. So while plenty of people have focused on the Oscar news, we've been looking over to see who gets nominated for the Golden Rasberry Awards.

While people who make good films are struggling over what might win the awards for best in many categories, with many pundits saying that too many contests are up in the air, we've looked over the nominees for worsts of the year, and we'll even give our predictions for some of the eventual winners. Because, if Hollywood has taught us nothing, and high school taught us less, we're still aware that there's something blissful about mocking those who have really brought out new levels of awfulness.

Just like the Oscars, we'll start with the smaller awards, and work our way up. First, the nominees for Worst Excuse for Family Entertainment, with some truly golden moments in cinema. While it would be easy to handicap this one towards Garfield 2 (come on, a sequel to an awful film?) or The Santa Clause 3 (a second sequel to an awful film), we're going to pick The Shaggy Dog to take home this one. Sure, sequels are often bad news, but how can you go against a remake of an awful film.

We move on to the Worst Supporting categories, with our prediction that Kate Bosworth's horrible and non-maternal Lois Lane beating out both Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Elektra. On the men's side of things, we think the award will land with Martin Short easily beating out Danny DeVito for true awfulness. Because, dammit, his Jack Frost paired with Tim Allen's Santa should get noticed for something, other than driving people away from theatres.

When it comes to the Worst Actor/Actress categories, things get a little interesting. The nominations were all strong in their various levels of awfulness, so it's kind of difficult to pick any particular horse. And while Kristanna Loken did have to work with Uwe Boll, she's still no Jessica Simpson. But we wouldn't be surprised to see the Duff sisters tie for this one. As for the men, can there really be anyone worse than Larry the Cable Guy? In anything? Not even the Wayans should be able to edge him out here.

But that doesn't mean you can count the Wayans out. After all, they are up for Worst Movie, with Little Man. Sure, they've got to compete against Uwe Boll's Bloodrayne, Sharon Stone's Basic Instinct 2, and Nic Cage's Wicker Man, but there are few crimes against humanity worse than making an unfunny comedy. That reason alone gives Little Man our pick for absolute worst film of the year, and our favorite to take home the Razzie.

That's pretty much it, and, well, looking at the awards the Razzies give out, we're starting to wonder why the Oscars make a point of handing out awards for everything, including Best Makeup Artist Working in a Non-Period, Non-Fantasy Film. If only we could get the Razzies televised. Any celebrities that would show up would definitely need to be drunker than they were during the Golden Globes, or they would be David Arquette.

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