Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Them's fightin' words

Geraldo Rivera, the man, and the legend. Only Rivera could have brought us to Al Capone's vault. Only Geraldo could have taught us about the dangers posed to unbroken noses by guests of television talk shows. And only GR could draw such an exquisite map in the sand, leading to his eventual Iraq war reporting being done from Kuwait.

And yet, this television deity, this beacon of all that led to Jerry Springer, this man amongst other deluded and self-aggrandizing men has stepped into a new realm, even for him. He has let the world know that he is prepared to fight Keith Olbermann, to prove which of the two is the most deserving of their journalistic legacy. And the man who vowed to shave his moustache should Michael Jackson be found guilty even goes so far as to believe that he would "make a pizza out of [Olbermann]".

Perhaps this is all due to the added stress Mr. Rivera must be facing, due to having been informed that he is being bumped back to his seldom-watched timeslot on FOXNews, largely due to the cancellation of his even more seldom-watched syndicated program. Perhaps Geraldo is still reeling from the reporting on his sand map, which he naturally feels was excessive. It's even possible that GR is still unbalanced by the blow that broke his nose all those years ago. But Geraldo seems to be missing a few key facts. Fact 1: Keith Olbermann is younger by over ten years. Fact 2: Pizza is actually a doughy product, with (commonly) a tomato paste sauce, not something you can turn a person into. And fact 3: If you actually go so far as to turn a person into a pizza, you could soon be facing criminal charges.

We understand, Geraldo. We feel your pain, the pain of cancellation, and the pain of knowing that once again you must share a network with Neil Cavuto and Bill O'Reilly. But look at it this way, Geraldo. By landing on FOXNews, you can use their penchant for truth and fact-checking to your benefit, and thereby declare yourself the victor of a fight that will never happen.

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