Friday, February 16, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 12, 2007

Welcome back to another end-of-the-week capper to the CSM. We've survived through the week (not because of Valentine's Day, but because the President gave a press conference), and are looking out across the weekend with our eyes full of hopes and our hearts full of dreams. This is largely due to the fact that we're still reliving the predictions of a hibernating mammal from a couple of weeks ago, and are starting to get impatient for Mother Nature to catch up. Anyways, let's get rolling with the awards.

This Just In Award
CNN may still be a little unsure, but we're not. She's still dead. Moving on (since too much of the rest of the world hasn't)...

La Vida Loca Award
We've got to hand it to Ricky Martin. The Puerto Rican singer recently decided to let his middle finger do his non-verbal speaking for him during a recent song mentioning GDub. Martin had previously performed at Bush's 2001 inauguration, but has changed positions due to the war. And, if we've learned anything from celebrities, including those past their prime, it's that doing something like flipping the bird during a concert will definitely spark social change. Heck, the rest of Menudo has been giving the middle finger to people for years, and look where that's gotten them.

Rattle and Um Award
We give this to the state of North Dakota, for turning down a resolution to honor U2 frontman Bono. The resolution was proposed to honor the Irishman's contribution towards helping Third World countries and other advocacy, and was shot down when lawmakers astutely observed that Bono has no real connection to the state of North Dakota. Of course, if such a resolution had been proposed in Minnesota, there's a chance it would've passed, simply because he has left the state.

Other Side of the Coin Award
The US Mint once again showed its perseverance, and released yet another new dollar coin, in an attempt to push Americans towards more metal in the pocket, and less paper in the billfold. The new coins, which are about the same size as the recent failed attempt to push forward the Sacagawea dollar, will feature the Presidents in a rotation similar to the state quarters roll-out. Expect people to once again become giddy about the new coins for a few months, then complain loudly that they keep getting them confused with quarters in the dark. After about a year, the only place the coins should readily appear will be at Renaissance Festivals across the nation, for people who want to pay with "period coinage".

A Little Less Conversation Award
Santa Fe, New Mexico is looking into ways to curtail excessive drinking. The city has stumbled on what may be a master stroke, and started installing talking deodorizers in bars and restaurants encouraging people to avoid drinking and driving. Cheerful messages suggesting a cab or a sober friend are starting to be heard, with the hopes of adding some humor while getting an effective campaign going. No word on how this will affect people who already have enough problems using public restrooms, or why all of the voices inexplicably sound like George Michael.

Free to Bounce Award
A while back, there was a report about a costumed Disney character running afoul of a family, due to a videotaped that seemed to show the actor hitting one of the children. Well, thankfully for Tigger, charges won't be filed in the case, according to the Florida State Attorney's Office. Of course, the altercation wasn't observed until the tape was watched, and the tape did sort of make the whole thing look like an accident. In an unrelated story, hordes of costumed actors are planning on storming state and county fairs, armed only with their bare hands and sour whiskey breath.

Um, Ew Award
An 84-year-old woman in Oregon recently confessed to having had sex with an 11-year-old boy while he was in her care. The woman will serve 36-months in prison, and be forced to register as a sex offender, as well as pay for both counseling and damages for the boy. Meanwhile the boy will need to find the most attractive man or woman on the planet (dependent upon sexual orientation) to ever find sex enjoyable.

Okay, yeah. We probably didn't really need to go and include that last story, but darnit, if our eyes drifted over the headline and we read through everything, we wanted you to be brought into our dirty little corner of the world. With that, we close out another week down here at the CSM. We'll do our part hoping for the best for the poor Oregon boy, and we'll also tilt our glasses back in the hopes that, with a little beer, we can help urge spring along its path. Until next time, stay safe out there.

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