Friday, February 23, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 19, 2007

Welcome back for yet another round of weekly awards. This week featured a strong showing by spring-like temperatures, especially for the end of February. Of course, here in Minnesota, those temperatures can only mean one thing; we're getting a blizzard. This past week also featured more news than we could shake a stick at, GDub possibly having to accept that the Dems don't like the war, and VPCheney calling anyone he could "with the terrorists" over a bowl of fresh kitten cereal. With that, let's get rolling on our presentation.

Playing it Safe Award
This goes out to Rudy Giuliani, for making a point of attending events with favorable crowds. While other candidates have appeared in open forums in their early parts of their presidential campaigns, Giuliani appears to be sticking to areas where he's comfortable that he'll be met with a positive reception. This strategy was previously employed by the Bush administration, who used it effectively to return a system of checks and balances to Congress, and foster the spirit of bipartisanship. Okay, maybe not in the way they intended, but it still worked.

In and Out Award, Pt. One
We give this award out to former Iowa governor Tom Vilsack, who has already dropped out of the race for the Democratic nomination for president. Vilsack's departure was met with commentary of, "Who's dropped out? Obama? No? Well, was it Hilary? No again? Um... who else was running again?"

Listen and Drink Award
This award is handed out to New York's Supreme Court, which recently ruled that an 80-year-old law forbidding dancing in bars is legal. Bargoers can no longer dance freely in places that do not have a specific license allowing them to do so, for fear of running afoul of the law. This legislation may seem silly, until you have to endure watching someone trying to do a "cabbage patch" after having had a few too many shots of tequila. Even more to the point, this should cut down on the number of white guys attempting to do "the running man" in a failed attempt to get a phone number.

In and Out Award, Pt. Two
Well, we've got to give this to Britney Spears. After all, she's currently in rehab (we think). This after having undergone two stints where she couldn't quite make it past the 24 hour mark... this week alone. She also, between stints, had the time to attack someone's car with an umbrella. And here we thought that nothing could make Kevin Federline look like the responsible one of the pair.

No, We're Colder Award
This one comes down to a draw, as we split the award between International Falls, MN and Fraser, CO, who are currently fighting over which town will be named "The Icebox of the Nation." Of course, actual temperatures don't come into play, as Stanley, ID is the coldest place in the country. Rumor has it that the winning city will receive a free year's supply of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, while the losing city will have to console themselves with a copy of the home game. The CSM is still trying to shake the belief that the coldest place in the nation is slightly off left of center in VPCheney's chest cavity.

Can We Look Yet? Award
Um, we think the whole Anna Nicole Smith thing is done now. Oh, wait, we forgot about the fact that more people are claiming paternity than auditioned for American Idol.

In and Out Award, Pt. Three
What do you do when someone breaks into your apartment with a sword, trying to stop a rape? If you're in Oconomowoc, WI, you point out you were just watching Spanish porn. And that you finished watching the tape 9 hours before. We're just going to guess that the guy with the sword was "pre-occupied" for awhile.

Tools: Not Just for Men Anymore Award
Recent studies have shown that chimpanzees have been using more tools than scientists originally thought. The most recent discovery? Female chimps have been seen fashioning makeshift spears to help assist in a hunt, while male chimps generally went without. This still doesn't answer the question why many male humans were, at least a few years back, trying to fashion makeshift Spears, while many women went without.

That wraps up our awards for another week. Check back with us next week, to see which animal form the month of March takes at the beginning. Our bets are on some sort of freakish lion-lamb crossbreed, with a fluffy wool coat, but a huge bristling mane and pointy teeth. Or maybe we should lay off the sweets before bedtime. Stay safe out there.

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