Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 29, 2007

Another week has come and gone, and things have certainly been interesting. From Joe Biden to Harry Potter, there's been plenty of news out there to keep the world busy. So, without further ado, we begin our weekly round-up of awards.

More Than Just Yellow Snow Award
Snowfalls in Siberia don't tend to cause much of a stir. However, when the snowfall in question is coming in bright orange and yellow, there's a bit more reason for people to be concerned. The snow is not only oddly colored, but it is also oily and has a foul smell. As a point of note, this phenomenon could lead to the worst tasting Sno-Cone ever.

Here are the Nominees for President Award
This award goes to Al Gore, who is in the middle of speculations that he may enter the Presidential race if his film, An Inconvenient Truth, wins an Oscar for Best Documentary. Even his former campaign chief seems to be hoping for that chance, and implied such to a recent audience. Oddly enough, she also said that she would prefer to see Barack Obama receive the nomination. Perhaps not even a little gold statue can make Al Gore seem less stiff in comparison.

An Animal Predicts the Weather Award
Yes, it's Groundhog Day across the United States. That, of course, means that the biggest celebrity of the day is a small mammal named Phil. Phil, the groundhog meteorologist, failed to see his shadow this morning, thereby predicting an early end to winter. This flies in the face of calendars across the country that steadfastly proclaim that spring will not start until mid-March. Meanwhile, trained meteorologists are still having a difficult time trying to predict accurately whether or not snow is falling at this very moment.

Don't Drink That Award
Hospitalized patients. Prison inmates. What do these two things have in common? Well, according to letters written into the New England Journal of Medicine, members of both groups have recently become intoxicated, and potentially poisoned, by drinking hand sanitizer gel, simply becaus of the ingredient of alchohol. Doctors are now warning against drinking the gels, because of the health risks involved, and are encouraging the manufacturers to change the labels mentioning the percentage of isopropyl alchohol used. Normal people should be at no risk of drinking these products due to their ability to know that you should never drink something that is in a gel format.

Not the Bomb Part One Award
We give this award to Google, for finally dismantling the "GoogleBombs". These prank search results led to Russians finding Vladimir Putin as an "enemy of the people", and French military victories being relabled as defeats. It also means that, in the United States, entering "miserable failure" into Google will no longer bring up the biography of President GDub. Unfortunately for the Decider, entering "miserable failure" into the mind of most Americans will still bring the immediate connection to the Commander in Chief.

Like, Whoa, Man Award
This award goes to scientists in Great Britain, who are working to isolate a chemical found in cannabis that may help curb appetites. This, of course, is contrary to the common knowledge that marijuana usage leads to increased hunger. Stoners worldwide could not be reached for comment, presumably because they were out at the gas station picking up Doritos.

Not the Bomb Part Two Award
Finally, we hand this award directly to the people behind the marketing campaign for Adult Swim that shut down Boston. While it may seem that peppering cities with Lite-Brite renditions of characters from the Aqua Teen Hunger Force cartoon may seem like a non-event, the placement of the ads (and the lack of information for those unfamiliar with the show) led many to believe it was some sort of a bomb scare. The ads were placed in other cities as well, with no reaction similar to the one found in Beantown. Turner Broadcasting, parent company for the Cartoon Network and Adult Swim, has already apologized, and is looking to make amends to the city of Boston. The prime demographic for ATHF could not be reached for comment, presumably because they were out at the gas station picking up Doritos. In related news, Adult Swim is scrapping plans to advertise Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law by dropping eye patches across major cities. No word yet on whether the large number of unfunny overweight men is tied in any way to promotions for ABC's According to Jim.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. Come back next week as we continue our countdown towards the end of winter, and those of us in the northern portion of the country try and find out if all of our fingers and toes still work. Until next time, stay safe out there.