Friday, March 02, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of February 26, 2007

This week, we saw the end of February, and the beginning of March. Two months gone from 2007, people, and we've still got a long way to go. Thankfully, we can always comfort ourselves knowing that people just recently elected to public office are already hitting the campaign trail, making us wonder just how hard it really is to govern.
We also witnessed the Upper Midwest dig itself out from one severe winter storm just in time for "Ol' Bushy Browed" Scorsese to finally get his statue, while "Ol' Fat Suit" Murphy was shunned. Of course, March declared it would arrive like a pissed-off snow lion, and a second huge dumping of white powdery stuff blanketed the Upper Midwest for the second time in less than a week (it should be noted that the white powdery stuff is actual snow, just in case some celebrity-types were thinking it might be a more expensive, glamorous, sinus-eating substance). So while we are lulled with the sound of scraping shovels and sputtering snowblowers, let's get these awards underway.

Sorry About the Invasion Award
This goes to the Swiss Army, and their popular knives, for accidentally invading the small principality of Liechtenstein. The infantry had wandered into the territory about a mile before returning to Switzerland upon discovery of their mistake. Officials in Switzerland blame the mistake on the insistence of Liechtenstein to not dye their soil a bright orange to make it stand out, like it does on maps.

We'll Get Right On That Award
Recently, GDub was speaking to victims of Hurricane Katrina in the Gulf Coast region. He proceeded to deliver the assurance, "the federal government still knows you exist," as a way to acknowledge the continuing problems. He later engaged in heavy drinking with top Cabinet members, as a way to eradicate the painful knowledge of Hurricane Katrina survivors from the federal governments memory banks.

Top of the World, Ma Award
This award goes to Fred Gregor, who sat atop a 72-foot pole in an attempt to overturn a pending jail sentence. Gregor sat on the pole for 10 days, until his wife bravely put herself on the line, and sent up topless photos of herself inside his lunch pail. This should be considered a historic event, as a man took himself out of a treacherous position because of female nudity. There are also rumors that Gregor only climbed the pole in the first place to be able to see down his wife's top.

Getting Around To It Award
The nation of Peru has recently decided that they need to start a punctuality campaign, to attempt to drive tardiness out of the nation. Of course, the press conference to kick off the campaign started a half-hour late. We're pretty sure there's a joke in there, but we'll cover it later.

Do You Swear to Bark the Truth Award
When you're the chief of police for a city, it has to be a little difficult to swallow when someone decides to challenge your authority. It has to be even more difficult when the challenge to your authority comes in the form of claiming you lied on your job application, especially with regards to your criminal justice degree. The icing on the cake? Having a police dog called in as a witness, because they also have a degree... from the same school. Thankfully for the police chief, his transcripts show that he did far better in the oral exams than the dog did.

Cardigans for All Award
A group in Washington state has decided to protest the US Navy's plans to use dolphins to help guard a submarine base in the cold Pacific Northwest waters by knitting sweaters for the animals. Naturally, the biggest concern is not how to knit dolphin sweaters with appropriately garish designs, but whether or not the sweaters will shrink in the water, causing the dolphins to develop poor body images. Bill Cosby could not be reached for comment.

Making the Wait Award
How do you make the wait at the post office shorter? Do you make self-service easier? Do you add more staff to help assist customers? If you're at the Watson Post Office in Fort Worth, you simply remove the clocks. Just another example of the government removing evidence of the problem, instead of actually fixing the problem. Next up, expect the DMV to take away those helpful "Now Serving #" signs, letting you know that, even though only three people are ahead of you, seventeen numbers have to go past before you can get assistance.

That wraps up our awards for this week. Our weekend plans involve creating over-sized snow angels, complete with coffee cups and snarky sayings, while digging out forts and rediscovering how exactly to build a sustainable tunnel system with only a shovel and a pick. Come back next week, as we discover if, just like human weathermen, the groundhog of a month ago was completely off its prediction. Stay safe out there.

No comments: