Friday, March 16, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 12, 2007

Welcome to St. Patrick's Weekend. The Irish in us have already had a few drinks, but don't worry, we'll be keeping that particular part of ourselves tucked away until tonight, when it's more socially acceptable. The rest of us have been downing the coffee just to keep pace, and we're ready to get the awards underway. So let's get the ball rolling, shall we?

Do You Have a License For That Dress Award
An Australian woman was recently arrested for attempting to smuggle wildlife, specifically fish, from Asia. Sharon Naismith thought it would be a good idea to hide the fish in specially made pockets on the inside of her skirt. Customs found her when they heard a "flipping" noise coming from the skirt. Oddly enough, nobody noticed that she was also busy smuggling assorted woodland creatures in her blouse.

I Am the Promiser Award
GDub has changed slightly, from being the "Decider" to being the "Prognosticator". The President has promised that, not only will the GOP retake both houses of Congress, but that they'll also place one of their own inside the White House in 2008. Sadly for the President, he got his messages confused, and was merely being told that there would be an elephant at the White House in 2008, for a birthday party.

Better Late Than Never Award
We give this award to the Walt Disney Co., for the news that an upcoming feature, "The Frog Princess", will feature Disney's first-ever black princess. No word yet on whether the character will be voiced by Jennifer Hudson or Beyonce Knowles, in their continuing fight to see which can be the actual black princess. Queen Latifah seems a shoe-in for a maternal role. With a black princess, Disney can now focus on other socially relevant topics, by casting Sean Hayes as a princess of his very own.

You Have the Right to Have Mommy Present Award
Police in Baltimore are really taking a crime crackdown seriously, and they proved that nobody is above the law. The police recently arrested, cuffed, and "scared" a 7-year-old who was riding a dirtbike on a public sidewalk. The dirtbike was later confiscated. Meanwhile, the police completely overlooked a 10-year-old threatening a 6-year-old for their lunch money.

Beam Us Up Award
We give this award to the Scottish town of Linlithgow, for taking it upon themselves to ensure that even the fictitious get the respect they are due. The town is currently undertaking building a memorial for Montgomery Scott, the crotchety engineer of Star Trek fame. To show support, geeks worldwide are planning on extending their "no showers" rule until either the monument is completed, or the date the "Scotty" would have been born. We're fairly surprised that the committee has not yet claimed that they "canna do it."

Milking it For All It's Worth Award
News this week reaches us that it's possible Anna Nicole Smith was murdered. Anyone who was precogniscent regarding the news coverage already can use the word "justifiable" as their defense.

A Parade For Us Award
In honor of St. Patrick's Day, we bring you the news of the world's shortest St. Patrick's Day parade, which takes place in Dripsey, County Cork, Ireland. The parade, which reverses course every year, is a mere 100 yards long. Rumor has it that the parade was originally meant to be longer, but it only took a standard Irishman 100 yards to drink 10 pints.

And that rounds our awards out for this week. We're off to hit the streets, watching as people dress up like little men in green suits. And then there's always the St. Patrick's Day festivities. We encourage everyone to have fun, and tilt one back for us. We'll be doing the same for you. Stay safe out there.

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