Friday, March 30, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 26, 2007

Welcome back, everyone. This week has featured insanely warm temperatures across much of the country, followed by huge storms that unleashed nature's fury. Even with that, we're going to have to say that the month of March is about to slink out link a lamb, since it's hard to compete with the beginning of the month and the multiple blizzards experienced in the US. Thankfully, we can rest assured that the news will never be truly lamb-like, so let's get this week's awards underway.

Milk Chocolate Savior Award
This award goes out to Cosimo Cavallaro, who regularly creates art out of foodstuffs, for his recent sculpture, depicting a naked Jesus on the cross. The sculpture is made out of 200 lbs. of chocolate. It is unsure as of yet as to the exact reasoning behind the Catholic League's proposed boycott, whether it's the material used, or the depiction of Jesus as being naked. All we know is that his milkshake brings all the saved to the yard.

Stay on Target Award
The White House proved once again this week that they will stand by an embattled and beleagured decision, no matter what anyone says. Along with the declaration that GDub will veto any bill proposing a timetable for departure from Iraq, the President is standing behind Alberto Gonzales, the suddenly more-controversial-than-before attorney general. We're pretty sure that, at this rate, GDub and Cheney will remain in the White House through the summer of 2010, denying the election results of 2008.

The Prettiest Homeless Ever Award
News reaches us today that, for the second time in four years, the Miss America Pageant has been booted out of their palatial network home. If they can't find a new network to air the pageant by next year, where on earth will the American public be able to view the spectacle, other than in homemade mash-ups of Baywatch, Deal or No Deal, Ladies Night on American Idol, and random movies shown after 10pm on Cinemax?

Um.... Award
Seriously, we don't really have anything to say about this. What's next, Condi Rice doing a country album?

Insurance Card, Manual, AAAH!!! Award
We give this award out to the Richard Houston and Roseanne Burks, to help celebrate the return of their missing four-foot boa constrictor, Sammy. Apparently, Sammy grew bored while waiting for Houston and Burks to return from a video store, and decided to crawl around inside the car. He was discovered in the glove compartment after a second renter returned the borrowed car to a Budget rental office. This also marks the first time that Houston has actually had his serpent out while in his car. Samuel Jackson has already agreed to appear in a film based on the event.

A Routine Award
We have to give this to the "gin and tonic" bandit of Bloomington, IN, for successfully skipping out on dining bills four weeks straight before getting caught the fifth time. Of course, each time was the same restaurant, with the same order, at the same time on Wednesdays. Rumor has it that the man was surprised that they were able to figure out what he had been doing, largely because he was in Bloomington, IN. We're still trying to figure out just how high he had to be each time to forget that Bloomington has more than just that one O'Charley's restaurant.

Brilliant! Award
This goes out to the Williamette Week, for consulting scientists and other "experts" (no, Shane McGowan was not asked onto the panel) on the subject of whether the order of your drinks affects your chances of a hangover the next morning. Of course, the scientists trot out old maxims, like, "It matters how much you drink," or other crazy talk involving tannins and wine. We'll be doing our own experiments on this subject this weekend, but we're willing to bet that one of the surest ways of staving off a hangover has nothing to do with the order the drinks are taken in, but the amount that is recycled out to the porcelain throne.

Behold the Power of Prayer Award
Or the lack thereof, as researchers recently found that prayer had little to no effect on the success of heart bypass surgery. In fact, those that knew they were being prayed for had a higher chance to develop complications. In other news, other things that don't aid the success of heart bypass surgery include cheese, using rubber novelty scalpels, or being operated on by television doctors.

Looking for a Sacrificial Lamb Award
We're saddened by this week's news of the Iranian capture of 15 British sailors, and the repeated apologies, real or forced, that have been carried across the airwaves. While there are attempts to bring the sailors back through diplomacy, Jon Stewart took a moment to point out on The Daily Show that, while Iraq may be showcasing some weaknesses towards America as a nation builder, "we're still top-notch nation unbuilders". Here's hoping that Iran stops this course of action BEFORE GDub shows that his exit strategy is just to invade the next nation over. We, of course, hope the best for the sailors and their safe return.

Well, that brings our awards to a close. We're sorry to end with such a serious note, but darnit, we think this is something that's important, and nobody wants to see the current war extend into the neighboring countries. But hey, if you want, you can always go back and read about the chocolate Messiah again, if it helps. We'll be back next week, to see what kind of havoc April Fools' Day has played on the country. Until then, stay safe out there.

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