Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 5, 2007

Welcome to Friday, gentle readers. We're here, to bring you our weekly round-up of a whole bunch of stories that we wanted to poke fun at. The week itself certainly brought its fair share of the bizarre to our eyes (who can forget Chuck Norris, huh?) and, well, today is no different. So let's get this ball rolling, shall we?

Somebody's Watching Me Award
This award is given to the FBI. As it turns out, the Federal Bureau of Investigation used the Patriot Act improperly, and, in some cases, illegally, to dig up information on potential suspects. They also underreported how often they received forcibly gained data from businesses. The audit that discovered this also discovered that there was no intentional wrong-doing, but that the results were troubling nonetheless. It certainly explains why an Agent Smith keeps calling for us, and referring to us by the name, "Mr. Anderson."

Six-Shooters for All Award
The US Court of Appeals for Washington, D.C. overturned a gun ban for the city, supporting gun advocates' stance that the ban violated their Second Amendment rights. The ban had previously been upheld by stating that the "right to bear arms" didn't apply to individuals, which the Court of Appeals disagreed with. The ruling was met with a 21-gun salute, all of which came from the very itchy trigger finger of one Tony Wannamaker.

Secular Currency Award
A printing error on a number of the newest dollar coins has confused the US Mint. The new coins are meant to be printed with the words "In God We Trust", "E Pluribus Unum", and the mint stamp and year on the outside edge, but a number of coins have been found to be missing those pieces. In related news, godless heathens across the country have gone on dollar-coin spending sprees, thankful to finally have currency that doesn't burn their blasphemous flesh.

And it Burns, Burns, Burns Award
First rule of thumb: Don't watch movies like "Jackass" while drunk. Second rule of thumb: Don't proceed to try to emulate any of the stunts seen. Addendum to second rule: Especially if it means lighting part of your genitalia on fire. These simple rules weren't followed by Jared Anderson of Wisconsin, and it resulted in his visit to a hospital, while his friend, Randall Peterson, who actually did the lighting, could face criminal charges. Witnesses curse their lack of video cameras, claiming, "It would've made a bitchin' YouTube video, dude."

Geekiest Mailbox Ever Award
The United States Post Office is getting set to take part in the 30th anniversary of the Star Wars movies by unveiling new mailboxes. No word yet as to whether the mailbox will deliver obvious curses in adorable beeps and whirring noises.

Auto-erotic Award
There's this guy, see? And he's English. And he likes sex with cars. Yup. Insert your own "lube-job" joke here... we know there are a ton of them.

Latin Flavor Award
President Bush is currently making a swing through Latin America, to dispel rumors that he, and America as a whole, have ignored the poverty and other assorted problems experienced in the countries. Bush, in response to previous difficulties in establishing ties with Latin American nations, was quoted as saying, "I'm not the least bit discouraged by past failures". Bush went on to comment that, with as frequently as he eats at Taco Bell while listening to Tito Puente, it was inconceivable to imagine people claiming he ignores Latin America. Elsewhere, the Vice President dined on tabby.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. The weather's getting lovely, and we're getting ourselves ready for the upcoming celebration of all things Irish. Of course, like most Americans, we'll be doing this by drinking green beer until our eyes are crossed. One week to go... time to stock up on the dye. Stay safe out there.