Friday, April 20, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of April 16, 2007

Wow, how a year has gone. For those that have been following, we're turning one year old tomorrow. Of course, tomorrow being Saturday, with our regular schedule, we're not posting. But you never know... something could always pop out of the ether. If not, well, rest assured that we'll be celebrating as only a one-year old can.

There have been changes and modifications over the past year, of course, but that's what comes from starting something new in this blogosphere. Thanks to those that have been reading, and here's looking ahead to the next year. Our goal? Just to continue providing the news in the fashion you've come to expect from us. Oh, and a Bloggie would be nice *end shameless plug here*.

Anyway, we've delayed long enough. Let's get the ball rolling on our awards for this week.

Sometimes, It IS What You Say Award
There are times where you simply have to love GDub. Maybe not when he's flagrantly expanding the powers of the presidency. Or not when he's blindly ignoring the advice of everyone but Rove and VPCheney. No, you have to love him when he goes completely off-script, like in a recent stop in Ohio. Like when he made the clear point that, "Death is terrible." Or when he said, "Putting up with me requires a lot of patience." We can only hope that he follows these statements by saying things like, "Math is hard," or "Cheney isn't quite as old as Washington, D.C., thanks to his steady kitten diet."

But Can You Dance to It Award
John McCain, at a recent campaign stop, decided to sing a Beach Boys number. However, instead of the actual lyrics, he made some changes, and ended up singing, "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb... anyway, ah..." after refering to the song as "Bomb Iran". In response to critiques about the altered lyrics, McCain was quoted as saying, "Lighten up and get a life." This fall, McCain expects to release a full studio album, including his toe-tapping single, along with other Beach Boys covers, "Nuking I-R-A-N", "Little Deuce Tank", and "In My Bunker".

Another Daiquiri Please Award
Thanks to a study conducted by U.S. and Thai researchers, we now have science to back up our drinking at Mexican restaurants. As it turns out, adding alcohol to most fruits can actually serve to make the fruit even healthier, by boosting antioxidant levels. So the next time your waiter tries to tell you that you've had too much to drink, just remind him that you're fighting cancer in your own way. And make it a double.

Using Teeth Award
We understand that there are times when things get a little passionate in a relationship, and sometimes it's hard to control yourself. Even so, we're frankly pretty amazed, and frightened, by the Israeli woman who accidentally bit off part of her boyfriend's tongue during a kiss. Her boyfriend was quoted as saying, "Aaah... teeth... aah", while she can no longer look at pictures of the band KISS without salivating.

Guilty... of Winning the Lawsuit Award
In 2004, Daniel Baines was tackled while in the process of shoplifting C$106 worth of razor blades. In 2007, Baines was awarded C$12,000 in a lawsuit over the injuries he received. Obviously, Baines had originally stolen the razor blades to sell to dejected NHL players after they were shuffled out of the playoffs, but realized an even bigger score when injured. Meanwhile, little Timmy from down the street is contemplating suing over a paper cut he received opening a shoplifted pack of Topps baseball cards.

It's No Equus Award
Plans are underway to possibly sedate 300 horses stabled near an upcoming Rolling Stones concert in Belgrade. The horses will most likely be drugged if they start experiencing distress and panic during the concert, which they will be mere meters from. This, of course, will put the horses on par with many in the audience, but still leaves Keith Richards with a large lead over all of the rest. Combined.

Like a Drunken Businessman Award
The world, as we know it, may either be coming to an end or righting itself back on course. Sanjaya Malakar, of questionable talent, and even more questionable hairstyles, has been voted off of American Idol. This will, in the eyes of many, restore credibility to the show. Now they can go back to determining who's the best karaoke performer, and give that person a "blink-and-you'll-miss-it" chance to release an album. Which will be ignored, even by those who watch American Idol.

Limbo Lower Now Award
We give this to Pope Benedict XVI, for his recent declaration that unbaptized babies can still hope for heaven, as opposed to the previous belief that they were trapped in limbo. This was after a study conducted by the International Theological Commission, on the nature of limbo itself. When asked for comment, residents of limbo could simply say, "Meh, we're happy. But what's this heaven you speak of?"

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back on Monday (pending a surprise drop-in tomorrow) an older, wiser Coffee-Soaked Mind. By which, we of course mean that things aren't going to be all that much different than they were today. Stay safe out there.

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