Friday, April 06, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of April 2, 2007

Welcome back for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. This past Sunday, of course, was April Fool's Day, and we almost wanted to believe that some of the ridiculous news we found over the course of the week were simply people trying to get into the spirit of things. Sadly, most of the articles we read were legitimate, but that provided us with plenty of fodder.

It has been pointed out to us that there's a slightly different tone to the CSM as of late. Let us know what you think of the direction we're going. Oh, and we're toying with the idea of maybe adding some more authors. If you're interested in trying your hand at what we do, drop us an email.

Without further ado, let's get to this week's awards.

Tastes Great, Less Filling Award
We hand this award out to Bill O'Reilly and Geraldo Rivera, for engaging in a shouting match during a recent broadcast. The topic of contention was regarding a drunk driver who had killed a couple of girls in an accident. The catch? The driver was also an illegal immigrant. While Rivera pointed out that drunk driving crosses all levels of citizenship (and lack thereof), O'Reilly proceeded to harp heavily on the notion of the man as an illegal, going so far as to attack those that let the man stay. Because obviously, if we had just deported the man, he never would've been able to get his hands on the alcohol in the first place. Just ask Germany, Ireland, France, Mexico, etc.

Happily Ever After Award
The Walt Disney Co. has undergone a change of heart. No, not a transplant, but a softening. The company has decided to allow same-sex couples to participate in their Fairy Tale Wedding program, which they were previously barred from. The Big Mouse had previously allowed gay couples to book their own weddings, or participate in vow renewals, but they had previously been forced to secure marriage licenses from California or Florida, neither of which allows gay marriage. Of course, this will all culminate in Disney's newest cartoon, "The Fairy Tale", featuring Nathan Lane and Neil Patrick Harris as two pixies, expressing their undying love for each other to the music of Elton John.

iFlak Award
We have to give this to Apple, and their iPod for a recent story about the little mp3 player that could... stop a bullet. Well, not stop all the way, but definitely slow it down enough to keep it from penetrating a soldier's body armor in Iraq. This news item has already led the Pentagon to begin research into purchasing iPods at the low cost of $2500 per player.

She Was an Elderly Detective Award
This one goes out to a German woman, 95-years-old, who decided that there had been enough thefts from the retirement home she was living in. She set out bait, retired to the bathroom, and watched as a 36-year-old cleaner fell into the trap. The elderly woman then hit the alarm button in her bathroom, summoning others on the staff. And we had been wondering what happened to Angela Lansbury. The cleaner was quoted as saying, "I would've gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you sniveling elderly."

Getting Hammered Award
It's Easter weekend, and while some people will be celebrating with colored eggs and chocolate bunnies, men in the Phillipines will be getting hammered. To crosses. The crucifixion, coupled with self-flagellation, is used to honor promises the men made to God, or to perform penance, in the highly Roman Catholic nation. Um, maybe we missed part of Sunday school, but wasn't part of the point of Christ dying on the cross that he did it so the rest of the world wouldn't have to? Chuck Norris would, of course, never be able to do this, as nails just bend against his skin, and he would be incapable of not destroying the crosses with a roundhouse kick.

Caffeinated Savior Award
We give this award to Coca Cola Co., for suing producers of the Italian film Seven Kilometers from Jerusalem, for a scene in which Jesus, in present-day Israel, is shown drinking Coke. The cola company has declared that they "are not interested in this kind of product placement." It's alright. We hear that the real Messiah prefers Pepsi, anyway.

Hunters with Frickin' Laser Beams Award
Leave it to Texas to decide that the fine sport of hunting shouldn't be relegated to only those who are sighted. A proposed bill would allow the legally blind to use not only the sight of a fellow hunter, but laser sights to paint exactly where the bullet should land. No word yet as to why VPCheney's closest friends suddenly have red dots on their faces. It should also be noted that this bill will, for the first time, actually put some restrictions on the blind hunting in Texas. No restriction yet on the blind watching the Dallas Stars, however.

Diplomacy, or That Other Thing Award
Last week, we hit on the plight of the British sailors. Well, we're glad to know that they've been returned safely home. Of course, plenty of papers are discussing whether or not the peaceful release could lead to a need to attack Iran anyway, simply to save the British reputation. Meanwhile, GDub is working on his best, "We had to spread the peace to Iran by sending in troops" speech, to be delivered in front of a "Mission Starting to Receive Planning" banner, aboard the deck of a roller coaster.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. Come back next week, when we learn whether or not any of the Filipinos participating in the crucifixion ritual returned three days later to move a giant rock from in front of their door. We'll also be full of chocolate bunny goodness. Stay safe out there.

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