Friday, June 29, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 25, 2007

Welcome back, everybody. It's Friday, it's the end of June, and, like a bunch of the news media this week, we're just going to phone this one in. Well, okay, we're not, especially since it seems that so many of them have been preoccupied with one particular story, at least during the early part of the week. Remember Monday, when we did the follow-up reports? Yeah, we didn't want to touch that other story... not without medication. So let's get these awards underway, shall we?

She's a Man, Baby Award
This award goes out to Elizabeth Edwards, who took it upon herself to call into a talk show, featuring someone who recently bandied around slurs like "faggot". No, not Isaiah Washington. Ann Coulter. Edwards took the opportunity to chastise Coulter, proving that she can stand up to cancer AND to a demon at the same time. Coulter, for her (his? its?) part, continued yelling, before speaking in tongues, falling to the floor amid burning green fire, and revealing the mark of the beast behind her (his? its?) hairline.

Maybe Not the Best Example Award
GDub has recently issued his newly revised hopes for the Iraqi people. He wants them to aspire to be more like Israel, who can "function as a democracy even amid violence." This seems to signify his resignation over the notion of the violence ever coming to an end. Of course, we all know how fondly Israel is looked upon, especially in the Middle East. Who knows? Maybe this whole sectarian violence thing can just be their mitzvah.

Worse Than Teeth Award
A young man was arrested 4 years ago, and given a 10-year prison sentence, for having had oral sex with a 15-year-old girl. The problem? He was only 17 at the time. Unfortunately, in attempts to get his sentence lessened, staunch resistance is being put up, even in light of the fact that the law has been changed since to be more understanding about minors engaging in sex acts with other minors. And you thought chlamydia was bad.

She Wore a REALLY Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini Award
News reaches us out of Arizona that GapKids is beginning to market a new line of string bikinis. For toddlers. This amongst an overall industry-wide push to bring skimpier clothing to younger and younger girls. We shudder to think what would have happened to Lindsay Lohan and others like her if they hadn't had to wait until the ripe old ages of 10 before slipping on their first thong.

Come See the Softer Side of the Blue Light Special Award
Sears is moving in, and nobody can stop them. Well, since they're moving free-standing locations into some K-Marts, nobody is even planning on stopping them. Of course, we have a name for the two stores all planned out, should a merge go through, but we just can't picture Bruce Campbell stepping out of his lucrative Old Spice contract to help out.

Oh, Canada... Our Home and, um, uh... Award
While we've never doubted the overall wealth of ignorance and/or stupidity on behalf of our American brethren, but we've tried to hold onto the belief that our good neighbors to the north, with their hockey and their wacky mounted police, were a fairly intelligent lot. And now we learn that 60 percent of Canadian nationals would fail a citizenship test, if given one. Amongst the questions they couldn't answer were items like, "Who is the head of the state?" (Answer, the Queen), "How many provinces and territories are in Canada?" (Answer, 10 provinces and 3 territories), and "What is the big deal with Celine Dion?" (Answer, we shipped her to Las Vegas, so we don't care anymore).

Not in the Face Award
Of course, part of why Canadians may be losing their civic knowledge could be tied into headlines like this one; "Safety Goggles Prevent Injury". Thankfully, the article is more than just a helpful description of the intended purpose for safety goggles, and doesn't delve into the realm of describing other protective coverings. But the article does illustrate an incident involving water balloons, windshields, and exploding glass. The worker was unharmed, because of his goggles, proving that Canadian glass is sentient and aims itself at your face.

Philadelphia Fans Rest Easy Award
Well, not just Philly fans, but anyone who likes the national image of the United States (no, not the dollar, the eagle). The Interior Department announced on Thursday that the eagle was no longer considered threatened. Sadly, this announcement was followed by a rash of eagle-on-sparrow muggings, the likes were never seen when the sparrows could trust that hawks would keep the eagles in line with some harsh words and implications of violence. The announcement was given shortly before cameras faded to black over the sound of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird".

Let's Talk About Something Else Award
We give this award to Mika Brzezinski (warning, link goes to video), and we're actually quite proud of her. On the MSNBC program "Morning Joe", Ms. Brzezinksi decided that, shocklingly, news from the White House might have been a bit more important that news about *shudder* Parisite Hilton, much to the chagrin of host Joe Scarborough. We commend you, Mika. And, if the firing that we expect actually comes through, there'll always be a place for you here at the CSM. We can't pay you, but we won't ever ask you to lead in with fluff pieces about celebutards. But if we ever do, we'll give you all the lighters you want. Promise.

And that wraps up our awards for this week, and our posts for this month. We'll be back again for a shortened week next week, and then we'll return to our regular schedule the following week. In the meantime, tip one back for your homies this weekend. We certainly will. Stay safe out there.

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