Friday, June 08, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 4, 2007

Welcome back to another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. It's June, and we don't really have any sort of witty introduction planned, so let's just get this thing going, shall we?

Down With the Sickness, Pt. 1 Award
This award goes out to GDub, who missed out on some of the G8 meetings due to what appears to be a stomach flu. A similar bug had apparently struck Laura Bush earlier in the week, causing her to cancel absolutely none of her very important shopping trips in some of the main European shopping centers.

Down With the Sickness, Pt. 2 Award
Remember the guy with tuberculosis? The one who prompted the first quarantine in a long time? Yeah, well, he was on Larry King, and, when asked about his honeymoon, he referred to it as "the most pitifully non-physical honeymoon you could possibly imagine." Obviously, he's never imagined a honeymoon between Roseanne Barr and Andre the Giant. Or, really, Roseanne Barr and anyone who's not as desperate for attention as Tom Arnold.

Down With the Sickness, Pt. 3 Award
The Parisite in jail! Out of jail, and sent home (possibly without her supper), due to an undisclosed illness! Called into court, but decides to phone it in! Activist judge decides that the celebutard actually needs to be physically present! We have now summed up the remainder of the world's news coverage, and we can return to our awards.

Clothes Don't Make the Designer Award
This award goes out to all of the celebrities that firmly believe that, because they have a bit of fame, it gives them a license to create "fashion lines". Look, it's a well-established fact that nobody really wants to look like the Olson twins, so please stop trying to convince us otherwise. Leave this to the real designers, many of whom will create brilliant fashions, and then proceed to show up at their runway shows wearing clothes Johnny Depp wouldn't be caught dead in.

We All Scream For Award
We give this out to Italian legislators, who have decided that, in order to improve their quality of life, they deserve to have ice cream in their cafeteria. American lawmakers are following suit, and are now requesting either tofu or high quality beef, dependant on party lines. One special request for kittens has, thus far, been ignored.

Bob Barker Would Be Proud Award
The state of California may be about to do something no state has done before. No, not fall into the ocean during a tremendous earthquake (although that's still expected at some point). They may be about to pass a law forcing the average pet owner to spay or neuter their pet, or face a large fine. This is an attempt to curb the large numbers of abandoned animals discovered each year. Californian pets are already sitting cross-legged at the border to Nevada, waiting to see if the bill passes or not.

Did You Check Under the Couch? Award
A contingent of Polish troops assigned to Afghanistan may take several more weeks to become combat ready, due to the unforeseen circumstance of having lost their keys. Well, in all actuality, the keys were stolen, but the bigger shock is that it will take weeks for new keys to be sent to them. Meanwhile, in New York, a man is expecting to be out of his apartment for a whole four hours, while he waits for his wife to return home, so that he can make a spare key in thirty minutes.

In the Navy Award
You'd think that, when the Village People write a song about you, you wouldn't be so hasty to enter into a potential controversy, centered around a homosexual man. And yet, the US Navy has enlisted, then released, then re-enlisted an openly gay man, placing him into their reserve branch. On one hand, there is the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. On the other hand, there isn't a single "Hey, sailor" or "seaman" joke that this guy hasn't heard.

So that rounds up our awards for this, the first full week of June. We're inching ever closer to that bright shining middle point of the year, where the days are sweltering, the nights are mildly less so, and where firecrackers and gunfire trade places in the nighttime soundscape. We're looking forward to it, actually. Stay safe out there.

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