Friday, June 01, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 28, 2007

This week, we bid a fond farewell to the month of May, and usher in June, which, according to all reports, is most certainly busting. This is the month where the weather really starts to act summeresque, and weddings pop up faster than the dandelions you mowed down last night. Of course, we're not really preoccupied with that stuff, so let's get moving with the weekly awards, culled from the news of the world.

Better Late Than Never Award
We give this award to the good state of Alabama, who just yesterday signed a resolution apologizing for slavery. To quote Governor Bob Riley, "Alabama's a different state today and we should be proud of it." Other things Alabama is looking to apologize for include moonshine, the Crusades, and the band Alabama.

The Air That I Breathe Award
If you visit Rome, you might find yourself being a little more light-headed than normal. The reason why? Traces of cocaine and cannabis have been found in the air around the city. On a related note, the Rolling Stones, the Moody Blues, and the Doobie Brothers are all planning on visiting the Italian capital, just to "hang out".

Smells Like New Balance Award
This story comes to us via Agent P Berry, and it just goes to show that Wisconsin just keeps being weird. A man in Waukesha, WI stole over 1,500 pairs of shoes, getting arrested for the same crime that he was previously convicted of in 2005 in Kenosha. The man was stealing the shoes because "he liked to smell them." The Badger State is now looking into ways to export their crazies to Illinois, where they won't be noticed.

Do You Want a Bigger Award
Seattle police arrested Robert Alan Soloway earlier this week, putting a stop to one of the most prolific spam artists in the business. Why they felt the need to arrest someone who uses a spiced ham product in sculpture is beyond... what's that? Spam emails? Oh... um, nevermind. Nothing to see here.

I'm in Ur Vacation, Emailing Ur Reports Award
Before anyone asks, yes we feel bad about using LOLCats verbage for this award. Anyway, turns out that 1 in 5 people are bringing their laptop computers on vacation with them. The same number are using parts of their vacations to check up on work projects while away. Bloggers around the country are all blinking and wondering, "What's a vacation?" A good percentage are wondering, "What's work?"

Bury Me in Your Velvet Award
What can you possibly do with over 8,000 stolen pieces of women's clothing? Well, if you're Maeyasu Kawamura, you sleep in it. Kawamura apparently enjoyed sleeping buried in the mounds of stolen clothes, because, "He seemed to like the smell." Honestly, people, get yourself some scented candles or something.

What Do We Want? Brains... Award
The family of an Indian man decided that they would exhume his body three days after he died, due to the fact that his mother received a dream wherein he could be brought back to life. The family hired a witch doctor, sat near the body, and waited. Unsurprisingly, after two days, Arun Mahji remained dead, causing the family to rebury him. George Romero and Roger Corman have both criticized the attempts by the witch doctor, claiming that the only way to revive Mahji would have been through a chemical reaction, possibly spread through a bite.

And that wraps up our final post for the month of May, as well as our first post for the month of June. We certainly hope that everyone had a good Memorial Day weekend, but, if not, don't be afraid to try to recapture one for yourself this weekend. After all, you've probably earned it. Stay safe out there.

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