Friday, July 13, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of July 9, 2007

Friday has found us returning once again to the CSAs, after taking a week off to enjoy some fun and sun in northern Wisconsin. Naturally, this past week has kept us on our toes with news stories from all over, some depressing, and some just way too easy to poke fun at. So let's get rolling with our first Coffee-Soaked Awards of 2007's second half.

Bye Bye Stewardess Award
By now, we're fairly certain that everyone has heard about the mother and child who were kicked off of an airplane. The reason, of course, being that the flight attendant thought the child was a little too rambunctious with his commentary of "Bye, bye plane". The flight attendant even suggested dosing the child with Benadryl to calm him down. A note to the flight attendant? Just in case you still have a job next week, invest in ear plugs. If that fails, dose yourself with whiskey. That's our helpful suggestion.

Bye Bye Interview Award
Of course, the story doesn't end simply with mother and child getting removed from the plane. When the mother tried to appear on "Good Morning America", the child was so unruly, that he had to be removed from the studio. This may lend some credence to the flight attendant's actions. We're just amazed that anyone could stay awake through "GMA", let alone cause any sort of disturbance.

Stop in the Name of, Um... Award
What happens when you try to affix police lights to your SUV and then pull over other vehicles? If you're like Robert Lane, you find yourself face-to-face with an off-duty detective, who's badge looked a lot more impressive. Another tip-off that Lane wasn't an actual police officer? There was a distinctive lack of doughnuts and coffee on the floor of his SUV. And his uniform still had the tags on it.

Hug Me, Or I'll Shoot Award
When a man tried to rob a gathering on Capitol Hill recently, he was stopped with a novel idea. After he'd pulled a gun and threatened a hostage, the robber was offered wine and cheese. He accepted, eventually realized he was robbing the wrong house, and asked for a hug. From each guest. Some people are just so needy. Zach Braff was unavailable for comment.

I Remember, Um... Nevermind Award
According to a recent survey, younger people are having more difficulty memorizing simple things, such as birthdates and telephone numbers. The blame is falling squarely on the shoulders of the cell phone industry, and the amount of information that the devices store. And yet far too many young adults can recall every single photo showcasing any celebrities underwear (or lack thereof). We would give a "back in our day" reference, but we just can't seem to remember any right now.

Come Out With Your Curtains Drawn Award
The brave police of Albany held a three-hour standoff Thursday evening, using tear gas during the standoff that ended after emergency services specialists were sent into the house. Their report? The house was empty. Now that the police have taken the banister into custody, they are focusing their investigation to abandoned warehouses and open-air parking lots.

Lawmakers Making Sense Award
Well, maybe making sense is stretching things a little too much, but we do have to give some credit to Wisconsin lawmaker Frank Lasee (R-Green Bay). Having grown tired of the sheer number of lawyers and the sometimes frivolous lawsuits, Lasee has proposed that Wisconsin cut funding to University of Wisconsin law school. We expect that, before too long, a class action suit will be brought by lawyers agains Lasee. The lawyers will reportedly seek the value of a pair of pants.

Not Quite Every Vote Counts Award
After getting to vote in three elections, Duncan M. McDonald will no longer be able to voice his opinion on the issues. Well, he never really did, as each ballot was sent in with the word "VOID" written across it, and a paw print for a signature. But now the Australian shepherd-terrier mix has been denied voter registration, winning one for the system. At least this time, when the electoral process was pissed all over, we could simply blame bad housebreaking, instead of willful acts. When asked for comment, McDonald simply turned around three times, and went to sleep.

And that wraps up our awards for this Friday. We'll be back next week, and we'll keep our eyes on PardonWatch2007. Because either Scooter, Paris, or Nicole might get a full reprieve if they just play their cards right. And then we'll be able to watch the series on network television in the fall.

1 comment:

david santos said...

Good work, thank you and have a good day