Friday, August 24, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 20, 2007

Welcome back once again for our weekly collection of whatever random news stories we happened to grab! This week, we've seen the President FINALLY find a way to spin the Vietnam/Iraq comparisons in his favor, and we've watched one of the leading Democratic candidates mention that any act of terrorism will only help the GOP in the upcoming election. We've seen floods drive through the Midwest, and a football star admit his guilt. And, here in Minnesota, we've begun our yearly subjugation of all foods, first by placing them on a stick, and then by dropping them into a deep fryer. So let's get the awards underway, shall we?

Bad at Math and Too Trusting Award
With the jackpot skyrocketing in the Powerball drawings, we've seen more individuals ignoring one of the truths of the lottery; it's a tax on people who are bad at math. Of course, sometimes being bad at math is nothing when you're also bad about selecting who to trust. A lottery winner in California asked a clerk to check to see if he'd won. She told him no, and then pocketed the $555,000 winnings herself. Well, in truth, she told him that he'd won $4, which he used to purchase gas station nachos, in order to console himself.

Let's Just Cuddle Award
New research out of the University of Wisconsin indicates that, perhaps, men can achieve more than just a sexual reawakening through the use of Viagra. The drug apparently can help the men rediscover emotions of love, as well. This explains why we see so many senior citizens spooning in the parks nowadays. And they still want us off of their lawns.

No Booze, No Problem Award
A topless bar in Los Angeles is going in a new direction, after having been denied a liquor license. Exploiting a California law, the establishment is going fully nude, while waiting to hear on the results of an appeal. Whatever the result, Slippery Nipples will always be on the menu.

Time is but an Illusion Award
If you live in Venezuela, be prepared to have to adjust all of your clocks. President Hugo Chavez, in a move to try and maximize the amount of daylight for the country, is going to shift the time zone for the entire nation by thirty minutes. And all Cher ever did was talk about turning back time...

If the Shoe Doesn't Fit Award
What's one of the quickest ways to get arrested for a crime? Perhaps returning to the scene, carrying a piece of stolen merchandise, and attempting to exchange it because it doesn't fit. That's exactly what happened in Jerusalem, however. The biggest travesty of the whole thing, however? The woman was returning a stolen pair of Crocs. We're rather surprised she didn't have arrows tattooed on her face.

For Those Hard-to-Shop-For Austrians Award
Have you ever wished you could get lederhosen? How about diamond-studded lederhosen, at a cost of $114,000? Finally, there's clothing that you can get for the all-celebutards version of "The Sound of Music". Which begs the question, what is the German word for "bling"?

There's a Hole in the Universe, Dear Liza, Dear Liza Award
Researchers at the University of Minnesota recently discovered an anomaly in space. That anomaly? A gaping blank spot, without stars, planets, black holes, or even old recordings of Saturday Night Live sketches. While "holes" in the universe aren't uncommon, this is one of the largest ever recorded, only matched in size by the gaping hole in talent found within the writer's rooms of most ABC sitcoms.

And that finishes our awards for this week. We'll be back next week to share more of our random observations. We'll also let you know if we broke down and decided to try some food on a stick, or if we just sat back and listened to the sounds of Dennis deYoung trying to hit notes that he hasn't found in a decade. Stay safe out there.

1 comment:

kukupai said...

Hello, I'm from Tallinn, Estonia.