Friday, August 10, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 6, 2007

Friday has once again come around to us on the calendar, and that means it's time for us to kick off another rousing round of our Coffee-Soaked Awards. Of course, we're sure that, by now, you're all aware of the US weaponry that's gone missing in Iraq, and we're willing to be that a bunch of you discovered the story about suicide rates in women with breast implants. But did you know about the decapitated rattlesnake that still bit someone? Or that Amy Winehouse is now following the lead of other celebrities, allegedly with her upcoming tour of a rehab clinic? And yet, none of those stories are what we're covering today, so let's get the ball rolling.

Stay Away From the Paintings. He Really Hates These Paintings Award
For some people, if they had a hammer, they'd hammer all day long. For others, they'd simply take their hammer and attack some paintings in London. Mark Paton, a homeless man, attacked a painting of Samuel Johnson with a hammer and was arrested Wednesday. Paton's lawyer said that he gave no reason for the attack, and added, "He has nothing against (the painter) Sir Joshua Reynolds or Samuel Johnson." No word on whether Thomas Kinkade should be on alert.

Oh I Wish I Were An... um, Nevermind Award
Few vehicles in the US have as much notoriety as the Wienermobile. Even fewer get articles written about them when they get a parking ticket. Oscar Meyer spokesperson Syndey Lindner issued a statement, expressing the company's stance against illegal parking. Two blocks over, the lesser-known Bunmobile received no tickets, parked properly in front of a "gentleman's club".

Passing on the Jam Award
AT&T recently delivered live performances of Lollapalooza through their Blue Room website. One of the bands featured was Pearl Jam, who are upset due to AT&T muting some politically inflammatory lyrics. We're just as shocked as you are. We had no idea Pearl Jam was still around.

Homeless Math Is Hard Award
How many homeless people does the city of Chicago have? According to a recent census, 24, directly contrasting Mayor Daley's number of close to 6,000 earlier this year. Critics feel that the city is trying to downplay the numbers, in hopes of securing an Olympic bid. Of course, no less than 40 homeless were gathered around a gigantic hot dog recently, unsure if the Wienermobile would be more or less appetizing than an actual hot dog.

Sweet Transvestite Award
If you ever find yourself planning on committing a crime, and you think that perhaps you should wear tights of some sort over your face to hide your identity, don't follow the example of Edinburgh's Kenneth Dinse. Dinse, angry that a girlfriend had left him for another man, decided that there should be a stabbing, and wear a pair of tights over his face. The problem? The tights were fishnets. Dinse is doubly regretful over his choice of attire, as they didn't keep his identity secret, and he now has a new prison nickname. We're betting on either "Frank" or "Rocky".

Art Imitates CSI Award
Krystian Bala, a Polish author, may have had a little too much inspiration for his novel, "Amok". Turns out that the novel's storyline follows very closely an unsolved murder case, including details that could only have been known by either police or the murderer themselves. Bala claims to have culled his story from press releases, and then imagined the remainder. This is exactly why Stephen King relies so heavily on supernatural themes for many of his stories, people...

Running on Empty Award
Cindy Sheehan, who became well-known for her outspoken protests of the ongoing war, has announced that she's planning on running for political office. The seat she's looking to take over? Nancy Pelosi's, because Pelosi has not made moves to impeach GDub. Listen, Ms. Sheehan. We understand your grief, but there's only so much room for single-issue candidates in this country (about 535 or so, by our count). Perhaps you'll have more luck in the judicial branch.

Building a Better Tomorrow, Today Award
Finally, we want to take a moment here to give a hearty congratulations to Lego, which turns 75 today. If it wasn't for the Lego building blocks, millions of children would never have learned the joy of begging Mom and Dad for that $250 Star Wars play set. They also would never have discovered how to cope with the loss of all but three of the wheels and seven of the red bricks needed to make a fire engine.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week. And just remember, no matter how often someone claims that Jesus was gay, just remember that a gay Messiah would never have worn a crown of thorns without some flowers. Stay safe out there.


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