Friday, September 07, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 3, 2007

Well would you look at that. We woke up this morning and could have sworn we had another day before we got to put together our awards for this week. Then, in our sleep-addled haze, we remembered that this was Labor Day week, and, while at least one labor union is on strike right now, the work never completely stops, even in a shortened time frame. So now that we've got a firm handle on the fact that today is actually Friday, let's get these awards rolling, shall we?

Maybe We Should Take Tips From a Coyote Award
This may come as a huge shock to people, but a recent poll conducted by CNN showed a distinct lack of faith in America's ability to capture or kill Osama bin Laden. This, of course, was prompted by the news that a new video was being released, a video where bin Laden has apparently dyed his beard to look more youthful. That could be part of the problem, as we were busy looking for someone with a graying bounty of facial hair. Our use of Acme products probably isn't helping much, either.

And Taking Names Award
But don't worry, because hope isn't lost. Even though we may have difficulty tracking down bin Laden, according to our President we are currently "kicking ass" in Iraq. And that's just great news. Of course, this is coming from the guy who got Australia and Austria confused during a recent speech in Sydney, so maybe we should take that with a grain of salt.

Covered in Bees Award
Some people like bees. Some like them enough to set up hives, working to extract honey or simply to provide the bees a safe home. Charmaine Albert of Katy, TX, may never want to be near honey again, after hundreds of thousands of bees invaded the walls of her home, creating multiple hives (including one that stretched six feet into the house). An exterminator working to remove the bees has referred to Albert as being "lucky", proving himself to be unfamiliar with the definition of the term.

And Sometimes, the Postman Doesn't Ring At All Award
A Belgian postman may not have a job to return to after it was discovered that he has been stockpiling mail in his apartment, rather than delivering all of it along his route. A postal service spokesman has illuminated the unusual nature of this particular incident, because, generally in Belgium, when a postman doesn't want to deliver the mail, he'll simply throw it away. No word yet on whether "The check is in the mail" will be accepted as a valid excuse for people along this route.

What's Good for the Calf Award
When raising children, it's common to want to discipline them in some way. Admittedly, some parents go a little too far with their punishments, leading to a cycle of rule-breaking rivaled only by most professional athletes. In the case of Kip and Dana Smith, they decided to use a tool that has worked in the past, albeit not with regards to children. The tool? An electric cattle prod. Looking at the mugshots, we're thinking that the philosophy was, "Well, my pappy shocked me and his pappy shocked him...". We expect scientists to soon engage in a study testing cattle prods and sterility in turtles. Just because.

They'll Never Put Cameras There Award
When planning a robbery, think long and hard about the type of place you're going to rob. For example, don't rob a gun store that's staffed 24/7 by someone with a twitch. Avoid stealing from a biker bar, just before last call. And definitely don't try and get free video equipment from a video surveillance manufacturer. If you are going to go ahead with that last plan, maybe check to see if any cameras are in plain view, or wear disguises. The whole thing sounds to us like the plot behind a bad Steven Baldwin-Jim Belushi-Rob Schneider movie. As if there could be any other kind.

911? Yes, I'd Like A Large Award
Residents in Ashwaubenon, WI were given a very important message after placing a 911 call Sunday evening. That message? Do not call 911 if your pizza is burned by the delivery place, as it doesn't qualify as an emergency. Meanwhile, college students across the country have now taken to calling 411, looking for information on what to do about a burned pizza.

The Mouse Does Not Approve Award
How many people across this great land of our have thought it might be cute to take naked pictures of themselves and give them to a significant other? And how many people have ended up regretting that decision? Probably none quite as much as Vanessa Hudgens, who may find herself on the outside of the "High School Musical" phenomenon, maybe running spot lights or box office. Because we all know how much Disney likes to distance themselves from stars (or former stars) dressing (or undressing) like whores. Just ask Britney, Christina, Jessica, Lindsey, Justin...

Come Buy the Stuff Nobody Would Steal Award
Labor Day Monday. Northglenn, Colorado. A DollarTree store that wasn't scheduled to open. 15 customers wandering around inside, due to a faulty lock. Lights on and music playing, thereby confusing the customers, giving them a false sense of fiscal security. And yet, when it was discovered that nobody was working, the customers returned their products and walked away, leaving everything behind. The chief of police chalks the incident up to the decency of people. We chalk it up to the total value of the goods in the store being in the vicinity of $326.59

That wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, taking our first bite out of fall weather and maybe enjoying an apple or two. Besides, the second week of September is a great time for a pop quiz, so be sure to study over the weekend.

Before we close completely, however, we do want to bid a fond farewell to Luciano Pavarotti. While we aren't huge opera buffs, we can definitely respect the career and life he had.

Stay safe out there.

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