Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 10, 2007

Summer is almost over. We can see it in the changing of the leaves. We can feel it in the cool air temperatures. And we can practically taste it in apple cider. Of course, we also can look at a calendar for confirmation, but where's the fun in all that? After a week where we talked about people living in hotels and conceptual art, we're ready to get our awards underway. Strap yourselves in, because we never know what kind of a ride it's going to be.

Looking for the Real Thief Award
OJ Simpson has had his share of the media spotlight. From a successful professional football career to a stint as an actor, and then the murder trial and all the fallout that's surrounded it, Simpson has been firmly within the public eye for quite some time. Well, he's being written about again, due to a potential break-in at a Las Vegas hotel. After a confrontation over sports memorabilia, Simpson declared the items his. The police and district attorney are still determining if charges will be filed. Simpson, for his part, has already started writing "If I Stole It", a tell-all book detailing how he would possibly go about committing a burglary.

The Big Sting Award
It's a well-publicized fact that rock stars like to spend their time surrounded by adoring fans. It's all fairly well-known that many rock stars enjoy it when said fans are of a more liberal sexual mindset than many others. And, when you're a rock star that's proclaimed an affinity for Tantric sex, and you're near one of Europe's most famous brothels, what do you think could happen? Well, as a shock to nobody, Sting was spotted leaving a brothel in Hamburg recently. The only questions we have is exactly how many hours was he there, and was he allowed to bring his lute with him? Every breath you take, indeed.


You Think So, Mr. Candidate? Award
Fred Thompson hasn't been in the running for the GOP nomination for very long. By that, of course, we mean that he hasn't been "officially" running for very long. When recently asked about the Terry Schiavo case of 2005, said that he didn't "remember the details", but then made a comment that perhaps Congress had overstepped it's bounds by directly intervening. Other things that Thompson has said include a confession that the night sky is dark, that the moon really isn't made of cheese, and that, no matter how hard you squint, he still won't turn into another Ronald Reagan.


Hello, 911? Um, Never mind Award
Sometimes, the most appropriate thing to do when you've been victimized is to call 911. In other situations, the last thing you'll want to do is call the police. Patrick Hunt of Shelby, NC, should have kept that in mind, when he called 911 to report that, among other things, a half-pound of marijuana was stolen. To make matters worse, Hunt proceeded to swear at the 911 dispatcher. If only he could have taken something to help him mellow out a bit.

Titillation Ain't What It Used to Be Award
Do you ever wonder what we did without the Internet? Without a large collection of scantily clad figures, many of them celebrities making poor fashion choices? Well, as it turns out, we used to get a lot more excited (both in bad and good ways) over a little bit of nudity. With the deluge we've been subjected to in recent years, people are starting to react as though racy photos are old hat. Which still doesn't explain the number of people that bought Paris Hilton's sex tape. For the same price, you could probably get the real thing.

Which now makes us understand why people bought the tape instead.

Now Where Did That Grenade Go? Award
Sometimes, vigilante justice can backfire. A man in Lansing learned this the hard way after rigging his home with booby traps to stop burglars. A neighbor said that the explosion "about took his hand off." Meanwhile, OJ Simpson has promised to hunt down the real bombs, along with releasing a tell-all book, "If I Set It".

Surging All the Way to Nowhere Award
Recently, GDub made a big announcement about the War in Iraq. That announcement? Next summer, some of the troops are going to be leaving. Unfortunately, the vast majority will remain until after he's left office, thereby leaving the results up to his successor. Shockingly, the press isn't expressing much faith in the Great Decider's plans for the Middle East, with some even postulating that the President is ignoring his own advisers with regards to troop levels. Well, we here at the CSM know that to be blatantly untrue. GDub listens closely to his brain trust, which includes the Lil Guard Duck from "Pearls Before Swine", his plush Garfield, and a pair of monkeys with free reign of the Oval Office.

You Can Updated a Classic, But Sometimes You Shouldn't Award
Kids these days. Not only do they get new-fangled lead-painted toys, but apparently, a good old broken (or filthy) glass bottle isn't good enough for them anymore. No, someone had to go out of their way to create an electronic Spin-the-Bottle game. But it's not your standard Spin-the-Bottle. It includes Truth or Dare, and has a feature allowing you to "Forfeit" if you don't feel comfortable. Now that we've updated Spin-the-Bottle (complete with flashing lights) for the current generation, how about we work on Kick-the-Can, by making said can out of foam, equipping it with lights, and encouraging kids to "Retire" if they just can't make contact. And then we can play Tic-Tac-Toe complete with sound effects and a hilarious "Wah wah wah" noise.

Well folks, now that we've gotten ourselves completely disgusted by the concept of an electronic Spin-the-Bottle game, we're going to close this out. We'll be back next week to look at the new events that are bound to pop up. We're fairly certain that none will be quite as uncomfortably hilarious as watching Garrison Keillor say, "Really? After a semen ad?" on basic cable, but we can always hope. Stay safe out there.