Thursday, September 27, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of September 24, 2007

Welcome to Thursday, and an early end to our week here at the CSM. We're bidding a fond farewell to September, as well as kissing the chances of getting a murder conviction in California goodbye (it's not for us, don't jump to conclusions). Of course, the main story around us is in preparation for the weekend, as a bunch of guys in purple try to beat a bunch of guys from Wisconsin. But, since we're not focused on any sort of weird 4H rituals, we're going to dive into the news with our awards. So let's get this ball rolling, shall we?

In Soviet Russia, Baby Bears You Award
A while back, we made mention of a Russian politician, who was willing to grant extra vacation time to couples, all for the sake of trying to bolster the Russian population on one day. Well, a woman who doesn't need any incentive, Tatyana Barabanova, has recently given birth to her 12th child, who weighed in at 17 pounds, 1 once. Barabanova didn't know how big the child, named Nadia, would be until a cesarean section was performed, but did mention eating lots of starchy foods. Nadia's parents have also informed the world that we wouldn't like the baby when she's angry.

No Time For a Mocha Award
Speaking of babies, here's a quick rule of thumb for you. If your pregnant wife enters into labor, you do not have time to make coffee before leaving. The baby, born in the car, "may be the last addition to the family," however, given that Dad seems to think water breaking is a good time to start up the percolator, we're going to guess that at least one more child will be on the way within the next few years.

Bet That Hurts Eh Award
Moving on from people just near the beginning of their life cycle to people that are rushing headlong towards a premature end, we focus on a new trend surging through Ontario, Canada. Apparently, after learning of the flammable qualities of body sprays like Axe and Tag, Ontario teens are agreeing to be set on fire. Videos on YouTube showcase this activity, and the police are planning on informing the parents of this trend. Might be a good idea to also inform the parents that their kids have the collective brain power of Paulie Shore.

A Little Rock in the Road to Heaven Award
6 Catholic nuns in Arkansas have recently been excommunicated from the church recently, marking the first time in the history of the diocese that such an event has happened. The nuns were excommunicated for heresy, after refusing to give up membership in a Canadian sect, led by a person claiming to be possessed by the Virgin Mary. The church has spent years trying to bring the nuns back into the fold, and turned to excommunication as the final resort. When asked for comment, the woman possessed by Mary simply said, "It's not my face you keep seeing in your breakfast pastries."

Is Someone Tapping? Award
Oh, Senator Larry Craig. While others are being tossed out of their chosen professions, you made your declaration that you would voluntarily leave, due to your guilty plea. Now you've asked to reverse the plea, and you're sticking around. When people like you less than the President, and even Jim Belushi looks good in comparison, maybe you should just pack your bags, and tap dance your way back to Idaho and anonymity. Just saying, is all.

Just a Little Tinkle Award
A dog park in Oregon, named after a valiant police dog, was given what park officials saw as a fitting tribute; a fire hydrant painted like the American flag. After pictures showcasing the hydrant ran in a local newspaper, the hydrant was torn down, because of the disrespect of allowing dogs to use the image of the flag for their "business". Never mind that the hydrant itself was raised and protected, making it incredibly difficult and uncomfortable for any dog to use it as a urinal. It is nice to realize that, while we can't stop our elected officials from trampling all over the flag, and what it stands for, we can certainly do our part to stop dogs from peeing on it.

We Must Renovate. Schnell! Award
Moving on from commentary about a flag-painted fire hydrant, we focus our attention on naval barracks in California that, when viewed from the air, resemble a swastika. The design of the barracks was known when they were originally finished in 1967, but, due to a lack of ability to see them from the air, they were left as is. Now, thanks to things like GoogleEarth, the Navy is clamoring to change the image, not wanting to be associated with the Nazi symbol. Just wait until they find out what the Pentagon looks like from above.

I *hic* Remember Lasht Night Award
In our final story today, we discover that a new study is touting the benefits of low-to-moderate alcohol consumption on a fairly regular basis. If the results from rats carry over to humans, than drinking one or two beers per day can help improve memory. The scientists also noted that, when the rats had ingested the equivalent of four or more drinks per day, they became surly, spoke in think New England accents, asked the opposite sex for phone numbers, and were more likely to try and light their body spray on fire.

Well, that wraps up our awards for this week, and it'll close out September. We'll be back next week with more stories, as always. And, look on the bright side, we're only a few short weeks away from Halloween, which is always chock full of bizarre stories for your reading pleasure. Stay safe out there!

No comments: