Friday, October 05, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 1, 2007

Welcome back, everybody. We're ready to roll with another round of Coffee-Soaked Awards, the only weekly awards that have been around longer than Larry Craig's guilty plea (okay, that last part may or may not be true). And, like the guilty plea, we won't be getting overturned at any point in the foreseeable future. So now that we've started out on such tenuous footing, let's get the awards underway.

Maybe it's the Implied Subject Matter Award
When it comes to delivering computer viruses around the world, one of the surest ways of getting them to spread is to claim that they're actually naked photos of Angelina Jolie, or another famous actress. It's apparently somewhat shocking that virus creators have found a sure-fire way to spread their work. In other news, people will click on anything that claims to be naked celebrities.

She Blinded Me With Bizarre Science Award
Everyone knows about the Nobel Prize. How many people know about it's slightly sillier cousin, the Ig Nobel Prize? Well, before Agent PBerry tossed this article our way, we had no idea that people could be rewarded for testing Viagra on hamsters, or for determining why sheets and skin wrinkle. This is great news for anyone who planned on finding out just what the effects of downloading too many porn movies would be, or for those studying the gag reflex of people dating Paris Hilton.

That Might Not Stop the Bullying Award
A Jacksonville, FL mother decided that she'd had enough of her son getting bullied when she picked him from the bus stop. To stop the activity, the mother brandished a pistol, and said, "You can all get some of this." The mother's actions were classified as "irresponsible", largely because she was doing it in Florida, and not in the middle of Hollywood.

Grab the Duct Tape, Jimmy Award
Meanwhile, in Cobb County, Georgia, the Magistrate Court determined that there would be no criminal charges against school employees who silenced talkative children by taping their mouths shut. With this news story, sales of tape will likely go through the roof. Meanwhile, the GOP is planning to use a similar tactic with regards to Larry Craig.

When Good Toys Go Bad Award
When customs officials in Australia opened a package that they suspected contained drugs, they were rewarded, not just with almost 10.5 ounces of ecstasy, but also with a shiny, drug-addled Mr. Potato Head. This certainly explains the weird facial expressions of the starchy star. My Little Pony couldn't be reached for contact regarding their alleged methamphetamine labs. Again, thanks to PBerry for passing this along to us.

That Painting Looks Like Ass Award
A high school art teacher in Virginia is currently suing his former employers after they fired him, for violating his First Amendment rights. Why was he fired? The school learned that he was moonlighting (no pun intended) as an artist who creates paintings using his butt, and other portions of his anatomy. We still like his work better than Thomas Kinkade's.

Worst Pastry Ever Award
Speaking of, ahem, butts, a woman in Pennsylvania is probably regretting how she used hers. After all, she was arrested after having stashed a doughnut down the back of her pants. She also had an outstanding bench warrant, so it's not like the doughnut was the only thing that got her. We're just really going to hope that she avoided a long john with sprinkles.

Depends On What Your Definition of Torture Is Award
Finally, today, we turn our sites to our illustrious leader, GDub. While defending his administration's decisions regarding gathering information from prisoners, the President steadfastly declared, "This government does not torture people." Oh no, Mr. President? Then what do you call two years of active campaigning, beginning as soon as the new terms of office have started? If that's not torture, we're not sure what is.

Well, that wraps up our awards. We'd linger a bit longer, but we don't want the RIAA to start wondering if we've ever used Kazaa. And we certainly don't want PETA to crack down on us like they have on Britney (seriously, PETA, you're picking on the wrong starletard). Have a good week, and watch a couple of hockey games on us. We'll see you later. Stay safe out there.

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