Friday, October 19, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 15, 2007

Welcome back to another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. We've been dealing with dreary weather and dreary spirits all week long, so it's time to try and pick things up with a little pomp and circumstance. Unfortunately, we're fresh out of pomp, and our circumstance is on back order, so we're going to have to make do with sarcasm and commentary instead. Let's get rolling, shall we?

Blue Diamonds My Ass Award
We've all heard strange reasons as to why we did certain things. In fact, many of us have come up with some pretty bizarre reasons in our day. And yet, when it comes to trying to break into a car while not wearing pants, what could you possibly blame? How about a leprechaun? That's just what Kim Leblanc did, before later admitting drug use. Which was a complete shock. We just thought he was hopped up on green clovers and red balloons.

Affable Blokes Award
For most Europeans, their image of other Europeans goes up when they actually meet and chat for a while. But the better that citizens of the EU got to know the British, the less appealing they found them. Of course, there's a chance that the results were skewed by a rugby game between France and England, especially given the large number of French participants. We prefer to think that the poll was influenced instead by years of British dentistry.

Maybe a Different Vehicle Award
When making an escape from a crime scene, don't do what German construction worker did. When the time came for him to flee the scene, he jumped into his waiting vehicle and started the engine. Of his cement truck. Needless to say, police stopped him after a few hundred yards. Meanwhile, OJ Simpson is wondering why he didn't bring a skid loader with him on his last excursion.

Aw, That Trick Never Works Award
Police made a daring raid on a warehouse in Las Vegas recently, as part of an ongoing investigation (we'd be more specific, but the police are being vague). The warehouse owner? David Copperfield, renowned illusionist. Rumor has it that the police are looking for whatever Copperfield has used to get supermodels to be interested in him. We're waiting for the next trick, where a judge pulls a subpoena out of a hat.

Moving on Up Award
What would you do if you returned from a long vacation, only to find that new people were living in your house? That's exactly what happened to Kim Ledford, who returned from an extended absence to find her house occupied by burglars. And here we thought that those kinds of hilarious situations could only be found on quality programs like "Two and a Half Men" or "Cavemen". Quick note for the burglars? If you stay more than a couple of hours, you're doing it wrong.

Um, Duh Award
Straight from scientists who like to prove things we all already know, a new survey lets us know that new mothers feel that having a baby has ruined their social lives. Shockingly, suddenly having to care for a newborn might mean less time spent out at bars, with friends, or really doing much of any activity previously found fun. The survey goes on to let us know that M&Ms won't melt in your hand, and that dogs are generally found with four legs and a tail.

Death From Above Award
Sometimes a squirrel harvests nuts for the winter. Other times, it chews on a power cable, lights on fire, plummets towards a parked car, and causes the vehicle to blow up. Oddly enough, the news story feels the need to inform readers that the squirrel is dead, which seems a rather obvious statement given that it blew up a car with its own flaming body. After all, they haven't created fire-proof saboteur squirrels yet. Or have they.... Bullwinkle has been unreachable for comment on this flying rodent.

And Then There Were Still A Lot Award
News has reached us this week that one of the many Presidential hopefuls is seriously thinking about waving the white flag of surrender, thereby removing one hurdle from everyone else's path. That candidate? Sam Brownback. Analysts say the move will aid Romney and Huckabee, which only makes sense because they have one fewer opponent to defeat now. Meanwhile, Fred Thompson has begun to explore the possibilities of researching contemplation over whether or not he should pull out of the race as well. Knowing him, we can expect an announcement on that issue sometime in 2010.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, hopefully a little less rainy, with that crisp fall feeling in our lungs. Besides, we're starting to seriously jones for some apple cider. Stay safe out there.

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