Friday, October 26, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 22, 2007

Welcome back, everyone. It's Friday, which means that it's time for us to bring out our awards for another week. As we draw nearer to our favorite holiday, we're hoping to see an upswing in stories about it, but thus far we've made do with stories about politicians and gay wizards. Let's see what the awards hold for us, shall we?

He's Going the Distance Award
It's embarrassing when someone is able to outrun the police. It's even more embarrassing when the person doing it is driving around in a go-kart. After a 3-mile chase, a German teen was able to duck into a secluded garage, and the police lost the trail, but found him later. The police also noted that the go-kart, for a number of reasons, was able to handle corners better than their cruisers. The teen in question is expected to spend the winter growing a mullet so that he can compete in NASCAR next year.

You'd Think They'd Check His Wallet Award
A recently deceased man suffered a great indignity, when authorities in Albania cut his fingers off for identification purposes. Of course, the man was carrying his identity papers, but they weren't quite good enough to confirm the ID, and to clear up some nagging issues with regards to evidence. Meanwhile, the drummer from Def Leppard has cancelled all plans to visit the country, on account of only having half of his identity with him.

There's Kinky, and Then There's... Um.... Award
We all know that people have sex with a wide variety of things. Oftentimes, this is due to certain fetishes that the people have. And yet, this is the first time we've heard about someone having sex with a bicycle. The man in question has now been placed onto a sex offender's list, and has been discouraged from living within 300 feet of any Schwinn store. No word on whether the bicycle has sought counselling for it's own trauma. It has voluntarily given up its banana seat and basket, feeling that it was dressing in too provocative of a fashion.

When Gay Marriage is a Crime Award
It seems that with gay marriage being outlawed across much of the country, it really will only be criminals participating in gay marriage. Corrections officers in Florida are now under fire for allowing a lesbian wedding to take place between two of the inmates. Naturally, the guards merely thought they were shooting a scene for a new Cinemax movie.

The Name Game Award
Apparently, when it comes to casual sex, men are more likely to go after women named Kelly, while women seem prone to pursue men named Lee. This coming from an online poll with 1,000 respondents. No reason was given for any of the name choices. Conspicuously absent from the list? Blah, and It's-Morning-Get-Out. Hey-You fell just shy of the top ten.

Can We Keep Him? Award
When stringing up fake webbing for your Halloween display, perhaps think about keeping it a safe distance off of the ground. Unless, that is, you're looking to capture the neighborhood children, as a couple in Central Florida accidentally did. The boy had been winding the webbing around his shoulders before it ended up catching at his throat, nearly choking him to death. The only words heard from the boy while he was in the webbing were very faint cries of, "Help me. Help meeeeeeee."

Wildfires Make Us Sleepy Award
Okay, not us. We're pretty wide awake through this whole thing, and we don't even live near California. But this disaster has had a soporific effect on VPCheney, who just can't keep his eyes open during a meeting about the relief effort. In Darth Dick's defense, his supply of kittens has been drastically cut down, because they were causing a strange heart condition. In medical circles, it's known as a pulse.

Alcohol. The Cause of So Many Problems Award
Sometimes, you wake up in the morning, and you decide that you're going to live today to the fullest. For many, that means embracing opportunities to truly enjoy life, all while trying to remain somewhat safe about what's being done. For one man, a Steven J. King, he decided to go for broke with traffic violations. Driving with an open container, expired license plates, no insurance, and an unrestrained toddler, all while heading the wrong way down the highway, King may have piled up more violations in one trip than most drivers will their entire lives. Add in the lack of a seat belt, and we may have the drunk driving champion on our hands. By all accounts, it was far scarier than The Tommyknockers, although not quite on par with Misery.

And that wraps up our awards for another week. Come back next week, as we celebrate the most haunting day of the year (that's right, folks... November 2 is right around the corner). We'll see you on the flip side. Stay safe out there.

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