Friday, October 12, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 8, 2007

Welcome back for another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. We've had a busy week here, getting ourselves geared up for the looming holiday. No, not Christmas, Halloween. We still believe that Christmas never advertises itself before Thanksgiving, at which point we're in a turkey-coma and we're ignoring all the commercials anyway. We've also been enjoying the return of hockey across this great land of ours, and, here in the land of too many lakes to count, we've gotten off to a good start. Speaking of good starts, let's get these awards underway, shall we?

Pow-Pow-Powerwheels Award
Kids these days. They just have no idea about what we had to go through when we were their age. For example, how many of you were able to drive onto the highway when you were three? Admittedly, the kid was in a toy car, and was lucky to avoid any accidents, but at least he followed the traffic laws (except for that minor little detail about not being able to drive until you get your license around 16). Next up for the three-year-old? He's heard cool things about "parking", and wants to give that a shot.

What, No Child Seat? Award
Moving on from a small child behind the wheel to a small child outside of the vehicle entirely. The problem? His mother was driving at the time, and dangling him out the window. Needless to say, she was a little drunk at the time. Looking at the included mugshot makes me think that she just watched Howie Mandel do that trick he does with the latex glove. Oh, if only this story had come out while Britney still had her kids. We could have had a copycat driver.

Thou Shalt Not Punch an Officer of the Law Award
Continuing our theme of drivers and bad choices, a drunk driver in Mexico found himself behind bars after he decided to punch the officer who pulled him over. Of course, the driver was a priest. No word on whether or not he was following the teachings of the little known "Book of Arthur", where you can find the passage, "And lo, the Lord our GOD struck down the law enforcer, due to the tequila he had imbibed."

Pass the *hic* Medication Award
We're going to wrap up our triumvirate of tales about alcohol with a story that shows it's not always a bad thing. In fact, vodka (and other spirits) kept a man alive after he drank a poisonous substance. He has since recovered completely, and wonders why he has a craving for peanuts. Meanwhile, the entire nation of Ireland is wondering why they didn't think of it first.

Worst Mustache Rides Ever Award
Some people, when they get into fights, blame everything from drinking to a bad break-up to just really disliking the other guy's shirt. But not Charles Law. No, Charles Law's confrontations can often be boiled down to offense taken over jokes. About his mustache. Now if only we could figure out which train tracks he tied the girl to, we'd be able to move on to more moose and squirrel stories.

Fake News Loses Award
This award is in honor of the FCC fines against Comcast, for allowing one of their news channels to air "fake news". Naturally, this affects organizations that insert fake news stories along with legitimate stories. Do you hear that, FOXNews?

Fake News Wins Award
Fresh on the heels of his rousing interview with, um, himself, Stephen Colbert made an admission to Larry King. That admission? That he may at some point actually consider running for President, and that, if he did, he would seek the nomination from both parties, and also volleyed the idea of a state-by-state run. Even from a man who calls himself "deeply, deeply weird", this makes a good deal of sense. It would certainly be more interesting than hearing months and months of debates over issues, and waiting to see just how long it'll be before Fred Thompson or Dennis Kucinich fall asleep at the lectern.

Finally, a Use for Cats Award
In the tradition well-established by nightly news, we're going to end our awards tonight with a human, or is that feline, interest story. A man in China who had adopted a homeless cat a few months back took the pet with him to buy a lottery ticket. When the cat walked across the keyboard, Wang felt confident he'd wasted his money. The end result? The cat accidentally stepped on the winning numbers. What does this mean for Wang, aside from lottery winnings? It means that he can keep "homeless cat" off of his menu for a while longer. The cat, meanwhile, still refuses to acknowledge Wang when he returns home from work.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, with just as bizarre of stories. After all, in this world, there's just no way to stop the crazy. Especially when a 6-year-old can get fined for drawing on the sidewalk with chalk. We'll see you on the flip side. Stay safe out there.

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