Friday, November 30, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of November 26, 2007

Well, we've done it. Collectively, as a society, we've reached the final day in November, 2007. Which, of course, means that there are really only 11 shopping months left until the election, and, at this rate, 13 until we see the campaign trail light up again. And what better way to celebrate the upcoming month of December than with some awards? So let's get rolling!

That's What I Call Hard-Hitting Coverage Award
Bill O'Reilly. The man. The media sensation. The mold that Stephen Colbert broke out of. The only person responsible enough to interview Alf. Just look at the schedule for yourselves, and you can see that O'Reilly will have the puppet from the 80's as a guest tonight, as his own little kiss-off to November. It'll be nice to see two puppets squaring off, and we can bet that Alf will actually admit to his love of kittens for breakfast.

The Four (Irregular) Heartbeats Award
Speaking of eating kittens, we of course have to mention that VP "Darth" Cheney was treated with an electrical shock this past week to fix an irregular heartbeat. The doctors were quoted after the procedure as loudly proclaiming, "It's alive! Our creation is alive!" No word yet on mobs of villagers armed with pitchforks and torches.

Talk About Reality TV Award
In an unlikely case of strange coincidences, a Mafia boss in Sicily was arrested while watching a television show about the arrest of a Mafia boss. The newly arrested boss is now hoping to find "Prison Break" broadcasts on televisions near his jail cell. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton has decided to stop watching, "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?", largely because she just couldn't understand the first question. Us? We're waiting for the first celebrity episodes of "American Gladiators"...

At Least They Aren't Overreacting Award
What would you do if a teacher took a poll of their students to name a teddy bear, and then settled on the name of your favorite religious figure? If you're like Muslims in Sudan, then you'll get said teacher arrested, deported, threatened with a caning, and you'll still parade through the streets calling for her death. It's a really good thing that she didn't name the teddy bear "Cthulhu", thereby forcing Lovecraftians to drink absinthe and develop dementia.

But I Wanted to Watch "The Office" Award
When two people are trying to watch the same television, fights can happen. Generally, these fights are usually solely verbal, and the exchange is over before the first commercial break. Every once in a while, people will retreat to separate areas of the house, in order to choose their own programming. Even more rare are times where someone gets stabbed for changing the channel. The morale of the story? Don't mess with old ladies watching "The Price is Right".

Naughty List All the Way Award
Yesterday we talked about celebrities that landed on children's perceptions of Santa's "Naughty List". A new addition to this list would have to be US Surgeon General Steven Galson, who says that Santa is too fat to be a good role model. After all, a healthy physique should be a key trait that children look up to, and they definitely shouldn't focus on things like generosity. Mrs. Claus has already switched to a low-carb diet, and the reindeer are looking into gym memberships.

Some Guys Have All the Luck Award
And, sadly, this guy isn't one of them. Years after being immortalized as the victim of police brutality, Rodney King has made headlines again, this time as a shooting victim. Police did note that King seemed intoxicated when they arrived to check in on him following the 911 phone call. This, of course, makes good sense to us, because, if you've just been shot, there's a good chance you may want a drink. Especially if you're just trying to "get along".

Can You Hurry Up With That Money? I've Got to Get Home Award
You don't often expect to hear of a robber who still follows their parents rules. And yet, that's exactly what happened with an 18-year-old from Indiana, who robbed a dozen businesses for a total of around $10,000, but never missed church, and was always home before curfew. After all, as the teen stated, "Her rules, her house," apparently missing the concept that, while his mother may be upset that he crept into the house at 1:45am, she's probably going to have a few more issues with him serving jail time due to his extracurricular activities. No word yet as to how long of apron strings he plans on getting her for Christmas.

And that wraps up our awards for another week, and, well, another month. We'll be back in December, provided that we can dig ourselves out of the upcoming snowstorm.
Oh, and we're getting geared up for our end-of-year posting already. Once again, we'll be looking to abandon our standard daily postings with lists. Have an idea for a list you'd like to see? Drop us a line, and let us know. We've got some ideas brewing, but we're curious to see what you're thinking. Stay safe out there.

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