Friday, November 02, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of October 29, 2007

November crept up on us, and with it comes elections. Calm down, calm down. We're not talking about the elections that certain people have been campaigning around for months now. No, we're mentioning local races, to help decide the fates of our cities and townships. Of course, we've also seen Christmas (also known as the Holiday at War) continue it's aggressive push through the fall, almost completely shoving Halloween aside, having made Thanksgiving into something of a Christmas Jr. We suggest that Labor Day start barricading the door now, just to be safe. But, even with the approaching events, we've still had opportunities to examine the comings and goings of the news world, so let's get these awards underway.

We Hardly Knew Ye Award
This award is given to Stephen Colbert. You may remember not long ago, when we (along with more reputable Internet writers) mentioned Colbert's bid for public office. Well, apparently that bid is over before it's started, at least as far as the Democrats of South Carolina are concerned. When asked for reason, they cite the need for a candidate to be recognizable to national media (check) and to be actively campaigning within the state itself (um...). Oddly enough, they have absolutely no issues with Mike Gravel (interesting side note: Gravel also has no issues. Period.) Oh, and Mr. Colbert? The Word for tonight is "Write-in".

Just Keep Them Panicked Award
It's been well-established that portions of the GDub Administration are intrinsically evil (we're looking at you, VPVader... put the kittens back). What we didn't know, but could have guessed, was that they wanted to keep us jumpy. At least, "Gin" Rummy did, as he encouraged his staffers to "keep elevating the threat". Rummy also wanted to find ways to link Iraq and Iran, but rejected GDub's suggestion of "I-R-A", deciding it was best to keep the Irish out of things. Other things Rummy pushed for? "Bumper sticker statements" and naked pictures of Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty.

My Sausage Is So Old Award
That exact phrase could be cried out from portions of Germany, as a historian recently unearthed the world's oldest bratwurst recipe. The recipe, which dates back to the 15th Century, calls for "only the purest, unspoiled meat" to be used in the production. The fine in the 15th century? 24 pfennigs, which is roughly equivalent to a day's wages, or the current value of the US dollar.

It's Not Sex If You Swallow Award
Parents tend to think that their children aren't inclined in the slightest to engage in any sort of sexual activity, obviously forgetting what they were like at that age. It certainly doesn't help that, if asked, 70% of children aged 12 to 16 believe that oral sex doesn't remove virginity. 16 percent of the same age group think the same think about anal sex. No numbers are available on how many of that 70% spent time with a Catholic priest.

Armageddonocity Award
What would you do if you found your yard overrun with lawn gnomes from around the town? Police in Springfield, Oregon, have been wondering that themselves since a prank redistributed the gnomes around the station. Capt. Richard Harrison has even said, "Every time I leave my office they're sitting in my chair, working on my computer." He followed this up with commentary about how, if his deputies knew how to work a computer, then the gnomes might not have been able to take over quite so easily. Interestingly enough, the gnomes have all been searching travel websites for good deals. Their favorite? Orbitz.

Whoa, Man, Look at That Kettle Award
People have suspected that Amy Winehouse is continuing to battle drug problems. People have also suspected that Pete Doherty has given up on the battle, and is only in rehab because he now become addicted to the drugs used to help him kick drugs. And yet, Doherty has recently come out to defend Winehouse after a poor performance for MTV. He refers to her as "perfectly healthy" and "sensible". The two are planning a future collaboration. It'll happen in a parking lot, off of the interstate, and also involve a couple of guys with more bling than Winehouse has teeth.

All Reality TV, All the Time Award
Finally, we may finally be broken free of our addictions to television. By we, of course, we do mean the people who watch programming that's actually scripted. The writer's union has agreed to a strike, which could start as early as Monday, and would affect shows aired on a daily basis first, with weekly shows coming down the line. Somehow, the timing seems a little eerie. Colbert announces a bid for the presidency, writers go on strike, thereby forcing Colbert's program into a hiatus, allowing him to pursue the presidency more strongly. Hmmm... as a side note, nobody will notice any difference watching "Two and a Half Men", because monkeys haven't figured out how to go on strike yet.

And on that somewhat down note, we leave you for another week. We'll see you again on Monday, as we prepare ourselves for the last few weeks of the year. Before we leave, we're going to give a quick shameless plug over to our friends at Brain Play, because we love when comedy and intelligence smash together into a cool t-shirt. Don't forget to turn your clocks back, and stay safe out there.

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