Friday, December 07, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 3, 2007

Welcome in from the cold. Winter came with a fury to the Upper Midwest, and, we would guess, other portions of the nation as well. With the new developments of cold and snow, at least where we've got our fingers curled around our coffee mugs, we're looking for reasons to stay inside and huddle underneath blankets. Not that we're finding a whole lot, but we're looking. So while we continue to look, let's get these awards going.

We're Not Gonna Protest Award
Well, we can't be certain that there won't be protests, but we are certain that certain reviews of The Golden Compass have taken some of the wind out of their sails. But that's what happens when Christian writers review a movie based on a book written by a noted atheist and give it good markings. Our suspicion is that, in the few frames Nicole Kidman's face actually moves, you can see an image of the Virgin Mary.

Don't Know Much About History Award
Some people really don't understand higher level concepts, which is just fine. There are plenty of concepts that we don't really get, either. But when you're a talking head (admittedly, for "The View"), you should probably take a moment to study up on the concept of B.C. Thankfully, not many people with a firm grip on reality watch "The View" anyway, so there's little danger of such misconceptions being spread.

All The News That Fits Award
News is coming to us that Gennifer Flowers (once a mistress of Bill Clinton's) is considering voting for Hillary in the upcoming election. She is even quoted as wanting to "support (her) own gender". Given her intimate knowledge of the Clintons, it's.... wait. Wait, we just can't do it. How the heck did this become news?

Less on the Truth, but a Lot of Swearing Award
When you are thinking of what gift to get your potentially-criminally-minded teenager this year (and seriously, aren't they a little criminally-minded?), consider getting them an mp3 player with a record feature. Why? Because one teen recorded an interrogation, to later play back during a trial where the detective claimed to have never questioned the suspect. Lt. Frank Drebin was unavailable for comment. Other recordings on the player? Selections by "The Killers" and "Black Rebel Motorcycle Club".

I'll Clear My Own Drive Way Award
It seems like stories involving strange happenings with vehicles will never reach an end. There are the people who attempt to outrun the police in their tractors. There's the folks who try to have sex with bicycles. And then there's the guy who decided to carjack a snow plow. No reason was given as to why the attempt was made, although we think it may have been a misguided attempt to secure a new Zamboni for the local ice rink.

Stay Classy Award
Most thieves wear sweatshirts, baggy pants, and some sort of unflattering head wear, all the better to disguise their identities. Not this thief, who showed up to steal watches in Los Angeles while wearing a tuxedo. The thief later complained that the watches had no fun gadgets, and that his martini was stirred.

Maybe We Should *hic* Do More Research Award
Oh, the troubles of choosing a mascot, and a logo. Plenty of schools have recently run afoul of Native American tribes, for their somewhat racially slanted imagery. Other organizations have tried to be somewhat weather-centric in their naming. And then there are the teams that stick with concepts (listen, we're fans, here, but Minnesota Wild? What exactly is a Wild? It's an adjective, although it can also be a noun) just to stay safe. But Killian Middle School in Lewisville, TX chose to be bold, and designed a logo that seems strangely influenced by Killian's Irish Red. The school is now considering whether or not to change their logo, with new ideas of a harp or a crown being looked into.

And that does it for our awards this week. We'll see you next week, provided we thaw ourselves out enough to type. Stay safe out there.

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