Thursday, December 20, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 17, 2007

Well, it's the end of the week for us, and that means that we're here with another round of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. Given that it's been a short week for us, we'll just get this ball rolling. Especially given the high likelihood of not being able to make a return until next Wednesday. So let's get started.

You Give Up the Crown Award
Last year, Time magazine declared "You" the person of the year, for many reasons, not the least of which was a sad marketing ploy and an attempt to seem edgy. This year, they've actually chosen a person to receive the title, and that person is Vladimir Putin. Time was quick to make note that the selection was not an endorsement of any sort, but merely a "clear-eyed recognition of the world as it is", and, obviously, Putin is a high-level power. Meanwhile, You has retreated to a dismal corner, realizing that it didn't do much other than munch on Doritos and stare at video screens during their year, feats made even paler by Putin's ability to direct Russia back to a world power, all while maintaining his physique.

Should Have Broken the Mold Award
Jamie Lynn Spears, the little sister of Britney, seemed like she was going to take a different route than her older sibling. In her effort to set herself apart as different from her sister, she appeared on Nickelodeon (as opposed to Britney's Disney), and, instead of waiting for a couple of sham marriages, she's announced that she's pregnant. At 16. The mother of the two Spears girls was originally going to have a book on parenting released, but the book has been delayed, presumably to quickly remove chapters discussing children and sex.

Prepare for the Oral Exam Award
There are many different ways to earn extra credit in math class. There are even more ways to offer said extra credit. And, of course, there's at least one good way to make your offer that could result in prison time. Thankfully, the teacher didn't later insist on a cram session.

Pray for the Pavement Award
When looking for a scenic getaway in 2008, might we suggest taking a trip on a supposed "Holy Highway"? That highway, Interstate 35, runs from Minnesota to Texas, and has been proclaimed as being a holy area by a group of evangelical Christians, who go so far as to claim that the road was prophesied in the book of Isaiah and its status is part of incidents such as the bridge collapse and the JFK assassination. Opponents to the concept feel that those praying for the highway could do more good by feeding the hungry or helping the homeless. Still others are keeping quiet about Route 66.

I Saw Mommy Groping Santa Claus Award
A Connecticut Santa got a little more than he bargained for when a 33-year-old woman sat on his lap, groped him, and then hobbled away on her crutches. While there are many cases of May-December romances, this is kind of ridiculous. After all, that's why they have Santa's Helpers around.

Baby, It's Cold Outside Award
We've mocked science a few times in the past (we can't really help it. Sometimes they make it so darned easy). Recently, however, thanks to science, we now know definitively whether or not a tongue will stick to a flagpole, and why. They are now delving into the mystery of whether or not you really will shoot your eye out with a BB gun.

You May Now Flush the Bride's Gown Award
We know that weddings are expensive. We know that, for a lot of people, they end up buying one item that they'll never wear again, whether it's the dress, a suit, or that special pair of underwear that ends up bringing back memories of an ill-advised romp in the coat room. A wedding in Times Square (specifically in a Times Square restroom) was performed, cutting costs on the space, all while the bride was resplendent in a dress made of toilet paper. This may become the first bridal gown in history to be used multiple times, but only for one wedding and/or costume party.

Your Security is Too Dangerous Award
A Rugby woman who has been victimized in the past by burglars thought that she could take some precautions to prevent further break-ins. Unfortunately, she was told by the police to not put up additional security, because it could harm the criminals. Instead of things like barbed wire and a security gate, the police suggested the use of alarms, all while handing her a manual full of crime-fighting tips. In related news, it's only a matter of time before a dark figure makes their way through Rugby at night, a masked vigilante armed only with their wit, guile, and trusty burglar alarms.

And that wraps up our awards for this week, and our standard postings for this year. Oh, we've got some more ideas up our sleeves, but, as we mentioned last week, the week before we begin 2008 will be marked by our personal take on the blogging tradition (and VH1 tradition) of Top Lists. But don't worry. We can't possible make those normal. Happy Holidays, and we'll catch you next week. Stay safe out there.

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