The Year End - Part Three

Welcome to Friday. Enjoy it, because it's the last one that we get in 2007. Our regular readers know that Friday is the day where we usually reach into a grab bag of news stories, for our awards. Well, we're changing things up a bit today, but we're looking to ourselves for inspiration. And, instead of one top ten list, we're going to put together two top five lists. You know, for a little variety.

Top Five Awards Shows We'd Like to See

5. The Unis
We could take this in multiple different directions, but we've decided that it really should be an awards show devoted entirely to people who wear unitards, ride unicycles, or do other things where one works just as well as two. Our idea for the trophy? How about a unicorn?

4. The Bummies
No, this wouldn't be an awards show for the best homeless, or even the best homeless outreach. We're thinking that, since so much of our culture obsesses over people's backsides, why not have awards for them? Who wouldn't want to walk away with "Best Supporting Bum"? Besides, calling it the Bummies would give it a little bit of British class.

3. The Grampies
We've got the Grammy Awards already, so why not have a similar awards show? The benefit of the Grampies is that they could be devoted entirely to artists well past their prime who embarrassed themselves the least over the previous year. Naturally, Aerosmith is never eligible.

2. The Greasies
Isn't it time that we became a little less health-conscious in this country? We would love to see an awards show where the best greasy spoon diners across the country were awarded for their dedication to all things lard.

1. The Panties
Yes, this awards show would be exactly what you expect it to be. Maybe if prizes were given out to celebretards for actually wearing underwear, we could get more of them to do it. Suggestions for the gift basket include gift certificates to Victoria's Secret and instructions explaining how to get out of a car while wearing a skirt.

And now, The Top Five New Reality Show Concepts We Might Watch

5. Pirates vs. Ninjas
It's been an Internet sensation (by which we mean that everyone has heard of the concept at least once) for a few years, so isn't it time that network television contacted actual pirates and actual ninjas to face off in battle? Add some D-list celebrities (anyone who's been featured on a VH1 reality show should work) for an added level of fun. And yes, by fun, we mean splattery carnage-type fun.

4. Extreme Head Injury Hour
Japanese game shows are weird. That's why, when they get repackaged for American audiences, we often don't see the full competition. Instead, we just get a glimpse into the overarching concept, while seeing some of the more impressive spills. So why not put together an hour of programming that's devoted entirely to head trauma? It can't be any worse than people screaming at briefcases for an hour.

3. Ad-off
We view this as a potential for the political season. Candidates take their best campaign commercials, and then display them during one set block of time. The viewers at home get to call in to vote for which commercial they prefer, with the losers never being given air time again. As an added bonus, it would be a way for people to actually vote for a candidate without leaving their houses.

2. Celebrity Survivor
Let's up the ante on this one a little more, too. Instead of just using celebrities, let the public vote on the celebrities we're most tired of. Then strand them on a desert island, give them a 50/50 chance for survival, and tell them that there will be cameras capturing their every move. As a final master stroke, don't actually hook the cameras up to anything, thereby allowing us to be rid of people like Paris Hilton for awhile without her possibly appearing on our television.

1. American Idol Gladiators
America votes for their next singing sensation. The catch? The singers also need to battle past athletes that make professional wrestlers look serious, all in hopes of reaching the Eliminator. In the end, we'll all learn that our next American Idol is also the last person we want to run into in a dark alley. And just think what this could have done for Clay Aiken.