Friday, January 04, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of December 31, 2007

The week began in 2007, but it ends in 2008. That makes this the first awards of the new calendar year! Not that those of you playing at home didn't already have that bit figured out, but sometimes we're a little slow on the draw. Which is why we aren't going to delay any longer. Instead, let's jump right in to this week's awards.

Mmm.... Burning Award
While people are always looking for new flavor experiences (anybody remember Pepsi Blue?), we just can't imagine there being a need to eat something that you have to sign a waiver for first (although that would have been helpful in the case of Pepsi Blue). But a waiver must be signed before you take your first bite of a new chicken wing in Chicago. The inclusion of an alarm to summon waiters is a good idea. We expect to see an ad campaign with the slogan, "One bite will leave you crying for Mama".

Oh, Lighten Up Award
The mayor of Oklahoma City has issued a challenge to his citizens. That challenge? To lose one million pounds by the end of 2008. This could be an interesting challenge in an area where the official state meal is loaded with grease and carbohydrates. Meanwhile, the UK is laughing at the thought of losing a mere one million pounds, claiming that they can do that much and more in a single month in Iraq.

Didn't See That Coming Award
The James Randi Educational Foundation issued a challenge of their own years ago, contending that anyone who could come forward with scientifically provable paranormal powers would be given $1M. There haven't been any "winners" as of yet, and, in two years, the opportunity will go away, as the foundation looks to new projects. Meanwhile, we predict that Sylvia Browne will once again appear on Montel Williams, and derive information that could only elude the likes of Miss Cleo.

Where Are My Pants? Award
Have you ever felt the desire to wander around your home naked? Well, if you live in or near Longridge, you might want to get good curtains first, after a man there was fined for being naked inside his house and exposing his own "longridge" to the neighbors. Brings new meaning to the term "blinds". Meanwhile, tabloids continue making big money off of celebrities doing the same thing.

One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Resignation Award
A foreign minister from Honduras recently learned a valuable lesson. If you go out drinking, decide to get into an altercation with the police, and find yourself videotaped, it might be a good idea to step down. Suddenly, getting a blow job in office doesn't seem so bad, does it?

Santa Who? Award
The Christmas season is over, but we're still finding stories about craziness tied into the "most wonderful time of the year". When a man in Maine was asked to dress as Santa, he refused, saying that he was an atheist and didn't believe in Christmas. He was subsequently fired, and has now filed a discrimination suit against Wal-Mart for terminating his employment. And here we thought that Wal-Mart was an open, caring place to work. Still, it's not like he punched a cop or anything.

She's a Maniac Award
Oh, the troubled Spears family. We really only make mention of this to suggest that she cover Quiet Riot's "Mental Health" before it really is too late. After all, sing what you know.

Huckabama Award
Well, we're finally one contest closer to the actual election, with the Iowa caucuses happening yesterday. Now, as the candidates move towards New Hampshire, we can rest assured that there are new front-runners, based of one state's results. Meanwhile, we're torn here. We're fairly certain that Huckabee is insane, but we're just not sure how much material Obama might give us. And, after the past sixteen years, we've learned that good comedy is sometimes more important than good politics.

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We see a bit of a warming trend on the horizon, at least where we are, so we may even step away from our computer monitor glow and get some real sunlight. Either way, we'll be back on Monday. Stay safe out there!

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