Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 14, 2008

Welcome back, everybody. This week has featured a wealth of different stories, and today will be no different. This week has also featured a dramatic drop in the mercury. Thankfully, we learned last week that mercury doesn't make a good toy, so we can rest easy with the knowledge that it will climb again. We've also seen hints towards economic stimulus coming from GDub, perfectly timed for when the stock market is seeing its lowest points in years. So let's get underway, shall we?

Let the Punishment Fit Award
News reaches us this week that, as part of her plea bargain, Lindsey Lohan will be forced to work in a morgue. The goal of the work is for her to connect her DUI with possible outcomes. It's actually quite appropriate for her, as she'll be able to visit her career at the same time.

Funny Guy Award
Barack Obama is trying a new tactic, with the approaching Nevada caucuses. After having played if fairly nice in Iowa and New Hampshire, he's attacking some of the statements in his opponents, and doing it in a stand-up format. Of course, he's already proven himself to be funnier than Larry the Cable Guy, Dane Cook, and FOXNews combined.

Loosely Tied Award
In the interests of equal time, we're also going to mention a GOP candidate who's been creating some headlines over the past week. Mike Huckabee drew some attention when he connected homosexuality to bestiality. He also drew a link between abortion and slavery. For his next trick, we expect to see him draw a direct connection between poverty and a love of rap music, or between having teeth and really really like to dance.

Worst Eye Exam Ever Award
A woman recently sued her eye doctor and his assistant, alleging that her toes had been sucked by the assistant during an exam. The toe sucking happened during a "strip exam", and the woman had kept her eyes closed until she felt something touching her feet. Apparently the concept of having her legs elevated for an eye exam didn't raise any warning bells. Of course, we always thought that a "strip exam" had more to do with working a pole than getting new glasses. The things you can learn...

I'd Prefer a Land Shark Award
For many people, the door-to-door salesman is something to be looked at skeptically. Whether the sale is vacuums, wreathes, or cookies, people are a little hesitant. Except, apparently, in Springfield, MO, where people were willing to purchase tattoos from a door-to-door salesman. Apparently the tattoo gun made with fishing line, tape, and a standard pin didn't raise any alarm bells, either. Meanwhile, those who received the tattoos are now searching for whether or not "gullible" was truly removed from the dictionary.

Biggest Sale Ever Award
A creationist museum, in an attempt to get enough funds to stay open, is looking to sell the skull of a mastodon, estimated to be around 40,000 years old. The age of the skull alone points to it as being a creationist fraud, as the planet isn't even that old yet.

Planes... In... Space Award
What would be one of the weirdest things to launch from the International Space Station? If you said Japanese paper airplane, you're absolutely correct! Once the experiment actually commences, expect to see new "Super Happy Funtime Space Fun Airplane Paper" at your local toy store.

The Monkey Rests, Your Honor Award
A Texas appeals court has recently upheld a decision stating that chimpanzees and monkeys are not able to file lawsuits. This ruling should drastically reduce the number of lawsuits in Texas.

Cut and Paste Award
According to teachers in the UK, web plagiarism has become a severe problem. It's gotten so bad that some students actually leave weblinks in the text of their papers. This also explains why so many papers can be found with comments like, "Lincoln totally fr33d teh slaves!!!!!!11!1!!!OMGZ!!!!".

And that wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, provided that we can keep ourselves relatively thawed out over the upcoming cold snap. Stay safe out there.