Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of January 7, 2008

Hello again, one and all. This past week started out front-loaded with the New Hampshire primary, and has been going strong since. Of course, the big story from the week wasn't the shocking fallibility of polls, or even the fact that John McCain surged more impressively than the US military. No, the big story was tears. The tears of a candidate. Tears that, according to many, led to a surprising victory. When clowns cry, there's no one around. When politicians do it, they make sure that there are cameras. And now, let's get rolling with this week's awards.

A Bit of a Struggle Award
One of the surest signs that a political campaign is in trouble raised its ugly head this week. No, we're not talking about receiving endorsements from previous also-rans... we're talking about staffers forgoing their paychecks. Of course, if the Giuliani camp spins it properly, they might be able to claim Rudy as the candidate not only of 9/11, but also of the WGA.

Father of the Week Award
Alright, people. How many times do we have to say this. Stop leaving your kids in the car while you're doing something related to the strip club industry.

We Can't Hear You Award
The FBI, thanks to a measure in the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, has been wiretapping phones for a while now, ostensibly to help eliminate terrorism. They may want to eliminate phone bills, as an unpaid bill landed them with a disconnected tap. Hey, if we can't trust the government to be able to handle money properly...

But Monkeys Do It Award
Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" just isn't enough. One of those times is when in court, after having thrown feces at the judge during a previous trial. Needless to say, the courtroom janitor was less than thrilled over that day's crappy assignment.

Faith and Blargh Award
Ireland seems to believe that it is developing a bit of a drinking problem. To counteract this, they are launching a probe to discover exactly why binge drinking has seem such a dramatic uprise. The commission will be looking into things like the number of licenses granted to stores, and the increase in special exemptions allowing for longer hours. Another possible culprit that may be getting missed by the commission? These people live in Ireland, and, darnit, some of them value tradition.

Hey Baby, How's About Some Boone's Farm? Award
Speaking of alcohol, a man in Washington state recently learned that, if a woman offers you sex in exchange for wine, maybe you should splurge a little and get something a little pricey. In related news, a woman in Washington learned that, if you offer someone sex for a little booze, they'll probably just be a cheap bastard. There's just no way that this outcome could have been foreseen...

Saying Hello Award
NASA is getting close to celebrating, as a probe launched in 2004 is about to pass close to Mercury. The hope is that the probe, named Messenger, will be able to orbit the planet by 2011. For its part, Mercury is already practicing a menacing stare, and telling Messenger to get off of its lawn.

The Lord is Risen Award
A new sculpture, featuring a visibly aroused Jesus, is drawing outrage around Gateshead, UK. Opponents of the sculpture are claiming that it vilifies Jesus, and have called for its destruction. Meanwhile, supporters may find themselves championing the statue, as a clear sign of a Second Coming.

And, on that note, we're wrapping up our awards for this week. We'll see you next week, as we eclipse the mid-point of January, and as we look towards warmer weather. Stay safe out there.