Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 3, 2008

Friday has once again come around the corner and jumped out at us with its fright mask. Of course, Friday wasn't the only thing that's been lurking around here at the beginning of March, as it seems like winter wants to remain for awhile, too. One thing that is gone, of course, is the football career of a Mississippi boy. But we're not a sports blog, so we're going to move onto our awards.

Public Opinion Award
Some polls are done to confirm exactly what people already thought. Some polls are done to completely contradict everything we've ever known. Polls about the media tend to fall into that first category, like the recent poll showing that fewer than half of all Americans trust the media. Interestingly, radio gets more trust than all other sources of news. And yet, this is the same country that trusts FOX to find it the next greatest pop star ever. Who knew?

Would That Be a Birdie, Then? Award
You'd think that, after all the outcry about the footage of the Marine and the puppy, people would be a little more careful around animals and cameras. Apparently, that just doesn't hold true when you're a golfer trying to film an educational video, and a hawk is making noise nearby. The golfer could find himself behind bars for his attack via 9-iron. Meanwhile, Tiger Woods would have simply bounced the ball onto the bird's back, watched as it flew towards the pin, and then connected with it telepathically, causing it to drop the ball into the hole. Or something. Golf claps abound.

Need to See How She Handles Award
When is a test drive more like grand theft auto (the crime, not the video game)? When you take the car on a 2,000 mile trip. The man, who topped the old record for longest test drive by six times, was eventually pulled over after he failed to pay for gas. Burt Reynolds and the rest of the Cannonball Runners were nowhere to be seen, having already sped along to the next checkpoint.

Silly Red Sox. Steroids are For Kids Award
New Jersey lawmakers are tired of seeing overly successful child athletes. To help combat this, they are looking to pass a law encouraging steroid testing for children as young as twelve. Other things that they're doing to keep child athletes from taking the Bonds Road to Celebrity? Encouraging them to ice skate, and forcing them to live in New Jersey.

Counting the Minutes Award
New research puts to bed some of the misconceptions about just what exactly the duration for intercourse is. Apparently, according to sex experts, the best sex takes between 7 and 13 minutes. Men everywhere have been seen celebrating, knowing now that they only need to change the clocks five minutes ahead, instead of the previously believed 20.

I Is a Gradjuit Award
We thought we'd heard it all. And then we learned that we were so very far from the truth. What clued us in? How about the fact that a student sued the school board because they allowed him to graduate, despite his third-grade reading level. The student, who was enrolled in an individualized plan, graduated, something his attorney thinks should never have happened. Someone needs to let this kid know about all of the celebrities with the same reading level. And no, we're not talking about Paris or Britney. They never made it past first-grade level...

F & A, Man, F & A Award
Looking for a place to raise the kids, and keep them away from bad language? Well, you could turn off the cable television, but that's not going to stop the little ones from hearing Old Man "Blue Streak" McCurdy screaming at his flowers. Instead, why not move to South Pasadena, where you can rest easy knowing that, at least for one week out of the year, they are a "cuss-free" zone. The remaining 51 weeks, the residents sounds like sailors on leave, so maybe it's not the best idea, after all. All we can really say? Good f'ing luck.

That wraps up our awards for this week. We'll be back next week, ramping up things in anticipation of St. Patrick's Day (which gets to be celebrated twice, thanks to the Church). We'll see you then, swimming in green liquid. And we don't just mean the Mississippi. Stay safe out there.