Friday, April 18, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of April 14, 2008

We've finally turned a corner, at least in our little portion of the world. Unless something really strange happens, we should be truly situated in spring. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and there are more and more people asking for spare change. In the meantime, we've watched as politicians have done their spring thing (which, right now, seems to be starting to pander heavily to the voters, in the hopes of going back to Washington to do more of the same). And that's why we just can't help but feel good. Let's spread the love, and get these awards underway.

The Pants Command Us Award
When we talk about spreading the love, we figure that there are few ways better than to get rolling with an amazing invention. And, by amazing, we do mean that we're amazed that they hadn't been invented before. That's right, folks. You too can now be the proud owners of a pair of massaging pants (or shorts, as they appear). Finally, the truly hardcore nerd stereotype has one fewer reason to leave his basement and his World of Warcraft.

Shag a Wallabee Award
Or, more appropriately, don't. At least, not if you're in Florida. The state that just recently decided to allow people to bring firearms to the workplace is now working on finally getting that pesky little thing called "bestiality" made illegal. Because, sometimes people just can't control themselves around alligators, dogs, ferrets, cereal bowls, light bulbs, etc., but those same people should be able to bring their Glock to work at McDonalds.

That Tickles Award
Have you ever been so drunk that you hurt yourself, but didn't feel it? That happens to a lot of people. Have you ever been so drunk that you didn't notice the 6-inch knife stuck in your back? The kicker is that nobody noticed until the man's wife woke him from a nap. This is after he had gone to work, and then been sent home for still being drunk. Meanwhile, Rasputin scoffed, calling the man an "amateur".

Freedom Trashed Award
When working on something that's meant to be kept confidential, it's probably a good idea not to dispose of the plans in the trash. It's definitely not a good idea to let a random homeless person then find said plans. The homeless man has already drawn up his own plans as to how he'll be able to fit his tent and blanket into one of the open spaces indicated in the blueprints.

Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Banana Swear Award
A man in Romania was recently fined for calling an emergency number 6,442 times, and leaving profane and vulgar messages. His total fine? $223, which averages out to about 3.5 cents per call. Verizon is still trying to figure out how to spin this into a new ad campaign, with a suggestion of, "Can you hear me now? Suck it." receiving top votes.

It's a Gamble Award
The new uniforms at the Casino Windsor in Ontario, Canada are drawing some ire from female staff, who are claiming that the new clothes are "too sexy" and inappropriate. There are calls of sexism, with the connection being drawn to the Las Vegas-style showgirls, which is not something featured at the Casino Windsor. Why do we include this article? For the woman who said, "So, if you have to wear panties underneath you know it's too short." Here's a tip for women working anywhere, but especially where there is food and drink. Ahem... WEAR PANTIES. Thank you.

Taking Their Angst and Going Home Award
In a moment of frustration, the mayor of Seattle recently threatened secession from the state of Washington, pointing out their relative size to places such as Colombia and Thailand. We're left to wonder if the city would take their Starbucks, angry guitars, and morose poets with them.

No Room At the Internet Award
According to AT&T, without proper investments, the internet could very easily reach its full capacity by the year 2010. He sites the rise in user-generated content as being a key factor. Darn users, generating their own con... tent... um... right.

And with that, we close out our awards for this week. We'll start looking ahead to next week, to see just how the rest of the Four Horsemen respond to Death giving VPCheney an honorary horse to ride. Stay safe out there.

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