Friday, April 25, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of April 21, 2008

Welcome back, everyone. It's Friday, and, as it seems to mean up here in our neck of the woods, we either get to prepare for a gorgeously sunny weekend, or we have to duck and cover while hiding as winter rears its ugly (and long-lasting) head. Guess which one we get to do this weekend? It's these weather anomalies that keep us guessing, and it's because of these that we find ourselves with such a grab bag of news stories today. So let's get going, shall we?

Banning Bull Balls Award
Well, Florida really seems to have everything well taken care of. How can we say that? Well, if they didn't, why would they be spending time in their Legislature discussing whether or not to enact a ban on things like "Truck Nutz". And what are "Truck Nutz"? Why, they go on the trailer hitch of most vehicles, and they kinda look a lot like bull testicles. Next week, the lawmakers of Florida plan on proposing a ban against the pin-up girl mudflaps, followed by a rousing game of charades.

Blinded by Craigslist Award
Some guys have all the luck. Others don't seem to have that much. Take, for example, the people who answered an ad found on Craiglist, for a couple seeking a willing third. As it turns out, the couple was planning on taking the people's wallets and running off with the money. Oh, when did the Internet become a place where people could spread lies and misinformation, preying on the hopes and dreams of others in the attempt to increase their own wealth?

Just Shocked Award
Hey look, everybody! It's something that is apparently shocking. So shocking that we can't quite admit to how shocked we are! That's right, the shocking concept is that Star Jones is getting a divorce. Right. Shocking. Almost as shocking as the notion of Amy Winehouse getting arrested. And only slightly less shocking than learning that Michael Jackson is a freak. Seriously, news people. Pay a little attention.

Litigate it Like Beckham Award
At a recent soccer match (apparently, they can't be called "games"), David Beckham gave his jersey to a fan in the audience. The trouble is, there are two fans, one 9-years-old and one 10-years-old, who both believe that the jersey was meant for them. Now, in the spirit of fairness and teaching children to share, the parents are taking the case to court. No word yet on whether or not "doodie head" will come up in the opening arguments, or if it will be saved as a big shocker for the closing statements.

Good Thing There's No Fence Award
Border patrol guards, first getting used to the idea that a "virtual fence" wasn't going to work, are now being given a new tool to help stem the tide of illegal immigration. That tool? Paintball guns. Which of course means that, a couple of months from now, we'll be asked to keep our eyes open for people speaking broken English and walking around with large, possibly paint covered, welts. On the Mexican side of the border, there is talk of restarting their research into Nerf technology.

Um, It's Like, On Sale Award
Price tag switching has a bit of a history in this country, but, really, if you're going to go ahead and swap tags around, be a little more selective than the guy who exchanged the tags on a water bottle and a $500 television set. What we're trying to figure out is exactly how a Wal-Mart gets away with charging $3.16 for a water bottle.

See Your Own Wife Naked Award
Some people have strange ideas when it comes to dealing with their ex-lovers new romantic prospects. One man in Maryland decided to show his ex-wife's new husband a sex tape that he'd made with her. The problem (aside from possibly showing the new husband things that he'll never get to do)? The tape was made without her consent, and the ex-husband is now in trouble for illegal wiretapping. Which just goes to prove that what's legal in Washington, D.C. isn't necessarily legal anywhere else.

And that wraps up our awards for another week. Just like the Democratic nominating process, we'll be back next week. Unlike them, we'll actually have results that you can count on. Stay safe out there.

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