Friday, April 11, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of April 7, 2008

Well, it's Friday, and it's hard for us to believe that April has been going on for almost two full weeks now. Of course, this could be partially because the April showers that we've been seeing have been coming complete with powdery white flakes. Almost makes us glad that we don't own a house. In the meantime, we're comforting ourselves by growing our playoff beards and getting down to the business of reading articles, all in preparation for our awards. So let's give them out, shall we?

Too Cold Award
No, we're not talking about the weather. We're talking about Rob Van Winkle, better known as Vanilla Ice, and his time in jail. Seems that there was a conflict between him and his wife. And he seemed so normal and well-adjusted, especially during his time on The Surreal Life.

Butting Into Politics Award
Italy is no stranger to odd political bedfellows. In fact, the current electoral landscape for the Italian race isn't even the first time that a porn star has tried to gain a new position for herself. This may be the first time that a porn star has used her backside to try and bring attention to herself. You know what they say... "If there's a photo of your naked ass, there's a photo of your naked ass on most street corners in Rome."

Lost in Translation Award
Speaking of political asses, it just wasn't that long ago that the whole Hillary Clinton/Bosnia anecdote started blowing up in her face. Now, leave it to her husband to bring the story back around, with his own misinterpretations of the truth. Of course, this is the same man that had a problem defining the word is, so it could just be that his entire statement was made up of words he doesn't comprehend. It's a toss up as to whether it's more comforting to think of him as an idiot or a liar.

All About the Children Award
New parents can often find themselves in fights over their children, especially when one parent has plans that don't mesh with the other. However, this is the first time we've heard of parents getting into an argument because they couldn't agree on which street gang the child should join at a later time. This all stems from the fact that the parents themselves are in rival gangs. The father has been quoted as saying, "Tonight, tonight, it all began tonight."

Going for Realism Award
Remember those totally awesome "Hillbilly Teeth" that everyone seemed to have for a few Halloweens (and beyond)? No? Okay, remember those fairly lame "Hillbilly Teeth" that people crammed into their mouths because, well, it seemed cool to emulate people with bad oral hygiene? Okay, good, now we're on the same page. Well, it turns out that a fair share of those teeth used a little too much lead in their production. Either this was a mistake in the production of a simple costume item, or it was a clever and dastardly plot to speed along natural selection. Production has already begun on new and improved teeth, with added mercury.

Burning Love Award
There are a number of highly romantic things that a person can do when planning their proposal to the person of their dreams. Gazebos, candles, and flower petals all fit onto the list. And yet, oddly enough, they don't all fit onto the list at one time. If only the gazebo hadn't been asleep at the time...

A Hands-On Experience Award
We've mentioned strange field trips before. And, thanks to the wonders of the modern college system, we get to mention one again. A group of students from Randolph College in Virginia took in the sights at, among other places, the famous Chicken Ranch in Nevada. Part of the experience was interview sessions with some of the "working girls". On the plus side, nobody was confused, thinking that the Chicken Ranch was actually a cowboy immersion experience to help relocate poultry to New Mexico.

Do Your Research Award
Few things can really ruin a crook's day. Obviously, getting arrested would rank up near the top, as would getting injured in the line of crime. However, trying to rob a bank, only to find out that it's cashless would also get a pretty high rating. The criminals are now plotting to steal good taste from McDonald's, and shame from the Bush Administration.

And that wraps up our awards for another week. Here's hoping that, when we return next week, we'll have sunny skies, beautiful weather, and that snow will have gone the way of the musical act bearing it's name... to be nothing more than a very distant memory. Stay safe out there.

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