Friday, April 04, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of March 31, 2008

Welcome to another Friday. Here in Minnesota, people are celebrating the beginning of spring, and the triumph of the Wild. Outside of the state, people are stuck just celebrating spring. Well, except for places that never truly had winter. They've already moved on to summer and sunburns. Of course, we knew that spring was coming, because we watched the number of reported student-teacher "relations" leap. It only makes sense, as the teachers are about to enter their annual summer hibernation in just a few short months. But enough dawdling. We've got awards to hand out.

Going Halvsies Award
Sometimes, you need to be careful what you ask for. Other times, you just need to specify. Otherwise, you could find yourself like the Serbian woman who received half of her husband's property after a divorce. Literally. Serbian WalMarts are now considering the slogan, "Buy two, because you might get divorced".

Bait and Switch Award
When looking for a fishing excursion in Fort Pierce, Florida, don't bother looking for a topless boat. A charter service with bikini-clad and/or topless crew members has been kicked out of the marina for not being family friendly. Meanwhile, we're left here pondering on the effects of accidentally catching a fish hook in the implants.

Oops Award
With a number of states enacting smoking bans in bars, it only seems fitting that researchers in Wisconsin (well-known for their bars per capita) should look into aftereffects. They're results? No smoking in bars has led to an increase in drunk driving. Whether that's due to people driving further to get to smoking-permitted bars, people drinking longer because they aren't being forced out by the smell of cigarettes, or people having a couple of extra shots to get the taste of that last drink of rail tequila out of their mouth (something smokers have an advantage at) has yet to be determined.

Give Them Something to Talk About Award
We mentioned earlier about the proliferation of teacher-student sex stories. Normally, we pass them by. Every once in a while, we need to bring one to light. Like, for example, the story of a teacher who slept with her 14-year-old student because he was "shy". In light of this story, men across the country are now acting afraid of the women that they're attracted to, with only 32% actually harboring fear. We have to wonder if the student at least got an A in biology (and possible extra credit in geometry).

Some People Never Learn Award
But we can't just leave you with one story like that. Oh no. Especially not when it could be construed as setting up a prison love connection a couple of years down the road. Why, we practically need to share with you the story of a church aide and her 15-year-old paramour. Seems pretty run-of-the-mill, right? How about the fact that, mere hours before a court appearance for an incident in March, she was found to have had the boy over again, violating her bail. Given that the two met at church, we have to wonder if there was possibly some sort of "come to Jesus" moment. And yes, we feel bad about that.

The Les Nessman Method Award
A teacher in Phoenix has found themselves on paid leave after reports came out that they had taped children into their desks. Turns out that the reports were true, provided that taping someone into a desk means the same thing as taping an outline on the floor, and requesting that they stay inside of it. The teacher is also in trouble for never knocking, and for neglecting to put a dotted tape line for a door. Meanwhile, we're shocked that children anywhere can stay within the lines.

Stupid Criminals, Take One Award
When you show up for a robbery and the police are already there, you might want to rethink your plans. When the police are there because you told the store earlier in the day your full plan, you might want to rethink your chosen career path. Ashton Kutcher is now planning on using a similar story for his newest TV show, "Pop Fiction".

Stupid Criminals, Take Two Award
Of course, spilling your plan is a bad move, but who would have thought that leaving behind your correct address and a photo ID would be less than profitable? Oh wait. Everyone. Well, except for one woman in Michigan.

And that wraps up our awards for today. We're going to go and enjoy the sun and warmth. We'll catch you next week, potentially with our first sunburn of the season. Stay safe out there.

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