Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 16, 2008

Here we are, on another Friday. Spring is about to slip away from us, as the NHL Entry Draft proves. As for ourselves, we're looking forward to spending the first official day of summer pouring suds for people, so, we've got to hand out our awards, and get our heads into beer mode. Let's get rolling, shall we?

Boobs for Boobs Award
Leave it to science, once again. Apparently, it took years (or at least pages) of research to come to what seems like a logical conclusion; men become less wise around sexy imagery. Specifically, the study showed the bikinis cause men to make bad decisions. We, of course, are shocked and appalled by such a line of thought. What's next, Science? A study showing that images of naked women cause heterosexual men to think about sex? Thanks to Agent P. Berry for passing this along.

Already Open Award
We're all familiar with the old phrase, "Open up, it's the police". Well, for a man in Lakeville, MN, he didn't even get the pleasure of opening the door. That's because, at 3am, the police walked into his house to remind him to lock his door. On one hand, the intrusion could have resulted in a far worse reaction. On the other, it's a little creepy that the police were going around to make sure that the house was locked. And, in unrelated news, burglars are now going around reminding people to leave a window open.

Reading, Writing, and Red, Puffy Burns Award
A teacher in Ohio may be in the process of losing their job. Not because of his Christian teaching in the public schools, and not because of his insistence on keeping the Bible nearby. He appears to be running into trouble due to burning crosses into the arms of students. In spite of the burns, the teacher is often referred to by students as "a great guy". It should be noted that the teacher allows the kids to listen to Creed whenever they want.

Sliding Leave Award
An Air Force serviceman is getting his leave extended. Is it to spend more time with family, or tie up things at his job? Nope, it's to attend the grand opening of a new White Castle restaurant. Harold and Kumar would be so proud.

Children Are Our (Overprotected) Future Award
A school in West Sussex recently cancelled their "Sports Day" events, which help promote children getting outside and being active. The reason why? The fields were uneven, and kids might have fallen. This also just in; children are made out of glass, and should never ever ever be allowed to do something that might involve them tripping and/or getting their hands dirty.

This Flight Stinks Award
If you were recently on a flight from Miami to Bogata, you might have had a reason to complain about the odor on the flight. Turns out that, just prior to take-off, a stowaway skunk decided it needed to lighten its load into the area. We just have to wonder how the skunk was able to afford the fee for checked baggage.

Choose Your Own Limit Award
What's the best way to keep motorists safe on the roadways at all times? Well, that's a fairly subjective question. However, a good bet is that having a variable speed limit, that changes over the day multiple times, probably isn't the best bit of planning on their part. The best part? The speed limit changes will be suggested by a computer, because computers have never caused any problems for people. Would you like to play a game?

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll see you next week with more stories, hopefully less rain, and the knowledge that we were directly responsible for people drinking. Kind of like Wednesday nights. Stay safe out there.