Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 2, 2008

Well, here we are, ending the first week of June for this year. And we're looking out the windows, wondering what kind of weather we're going to get. Will it just be rainy? Or will it be rainy with a high likelihood of destruction? We'll just have to wait and see. Good thing we have cable news channels to keep us going. Which moves us into our awards, so let's get those started.

Good Advice Award
When driving in Cyprus, be sure to follow their new and improved road rules. After all, they're now asking that people use the horn less frequently, restrain children in seats, and not abandon cars that are in motion. It seems like that last one would go without saying. After all, the only time that one should dive from a moving car is during a high-speed chase with some bad guys. Even then, you have to wait until the single bullet pierces the gas tank. What's next, Cyprus? Are you going to recommend that people keep at least one appendage on the steering wheel at all times, too?

Fool Me Twice, Won't Get Tazed Again Award
Just a little note of public service for our readers out there. If you plan on standing naked in the street while proclaiming to be Jesus and George Bush, expect to get a bit of a tazing. Oddly enough, if you plan on standing fully clothed while proclaiming to be Jesus and George Bush, expect to find yourself unemployed round about January.

What's In A Name? Award
There are plenty of bizarre names out there. Many of those names are planted squarely on the children of celebrities, but don't think for a second that the rich and famous are the only ones that get to saddle their children with horrific monikers. Take, for example, the Swedish couple that recently named their child Lego. We rest our case. We also fully expect that, in a few years, little Lego will be beating up on a child named Duplo, who will be slightly larger but less popular.

Only the Lonely Award
Picture yourself in a strip club (for those of you also surfing porn, that shouldn't be hard to do). Now imagine that you've decided to ask the girl who just entertained you for a while to accompany you home. She says no. You then decide to return to the club with a gun, get into a police chase, and flip your vehicle. And they say romance is dead. It should be noted that the vehicle was a Hummer, which would be the only one that guy got that night.

No... More Hawkish Award
When you're one of the people suspected of helping plan the 9/11 attacks, there is very little that you can do in the courtroom to make yourself seem a little more audacious. And yet, leave it to one of the masterminds behind the plot to first declare that he longs for execution, and then for him to complain that the courtroom drawing didn't look enough like his nose. Well, at least he's got his priorities in order. After all, he doesn't want to be known as "Big Nose" for the rest of the trial. And yes, he's so vain, he probably thinks this award is about him.

A Fire Sale Award
When protesting the high prices of gas, there are a number of things that you can try. You could switch to a hybrid vehicle, drive less, or use public transportation. You could also decide to set fire to a gas station's restrooms, although that's less likely to actually help the situation. The woman in question also set fire to a nearby Starbucks. After all, Starbucks coffee is somewhere in the vicinity of $239 per gallon, and there's no way she can fill up her car on that.

Well, that wraps up our awards for yet another week. We're looking forward to the weekend, when the presumptive Democratic nominee finally hears the words he's been longing to hear from his opponent in the race. Those words, of course, being, "I'm not giving up, but Grandpappy McCain is old."

Okay, maybe those aren't the words he's hoping to hear, but they've got such a ring to them. We'll see you next week. Stay safe out there.